CD17 Post IVF

Well, for some reason, my body seems to be playing nice, a few days off track, but nice.
I started doing the OPKs on CD13, I really wasn't expecting anything from this cycle in all honesty seeing as it's my first post IVF.
I thought I had a very near positive on CD15 during the day, tested again later that evening and it was a definite negative.
I tested again yesterday afternoon and this is what I found -

Ive no idea why they have come out upside down, but control line is on the left, test line is on the right.

I have also been having EWCM, not a lot, but more than I usually do, so I'm wondering if the catheter during my embryo transfer has kind of unclogged (for want of a better word) my cervix so my CM can flow freely!! (ha ha YUK)!!!!

Then of course we had the big discussion last night. Are we actually going to try naturally when I have positive OPKs? Because the plan was to just use them to check my body is functioning properly to do a FET, not for actual TTC reasons.

Bongo said he would like to keep TTC naturally while we wait for the FET, which is fine by me, I also read somewhere that you can naturally be more fertile after IVF, but that's the Internet for you, I have no idea if that's true or not.

We didn't get round to BDing last night as I have been awfully ill. As I kept thinking I was having teeth/gum problems, and I have been on high doses of amoxycillin and metronidazole (which make me ill in themselves) but the antibiotics should have knocked any infection, teeth/gum/whatever on its arse and I am still in absolute agony, I have been given a diagnoses of Trigeminal Neuralgia. Also known as suicide syndrome. I am tired all the time, I have practically been sleeping 18 hours a day the past few days, I don't know if the stress has triggered the condition, which in turn causes more stress itself, it's one big vicious circle.

Here is a link, if anyone is interested -

Trigeminal Neuralgia

I am off to visit my dentist again this afternoon to have a referral to my GP and then possibly be sent to a neurologist. Happy Days <<< we really do need a sarcasm font

So yet another illness to add to the long list of conditions I have. 

Why can't my body just work properly?

On the job front, well, I walked out on my dream job 4 years ago without any notice (mainly due to my mental heath issues and problems in my personal life) I felt I was being bullied, I couldn't keep up with the workload and my team leader who had previously been very kind to me suddenly turned on me in front of an office full of my colleagues.

I waited until the end of that working day and then never returned, I feel into a deep depression and had a breakdown, I refused to acknowledge any communication from them and my contract was terminated at the end of my working year contract.

I have since found out, that my team leader left not long after I did.

I also became very good friends with one of my colleagues, in and out of work, but she became too much and became too involved in my personal life and my relationship I was in at the time, she would interfere so much until in the end me and my ex split up because of her, she would tell me what, when, how and why I should act, and I decided to distance myself from her, that also became awkward in the office. As far as I know she still works there.

I loved that job, it was the best job I have ever had and I have always regretted walking out and not staying and dealing with my problems.

While I was job hunting last week (as the other job application never came to anything, I will not be dealing with that agency again) I noticed my old job was being advertised again, so I cheekily applied, obviously not expecting anything from it, well, yesterday, I was sent an Invitation to Interview for the job!

Three of my old colleagues will be interviewing me, two of them I got on OK with (one was another team leader who kind of knew I had personal problems) but the other I didn't get on with so much, we never had any issues, we just didn't click, but we were always pleasant to each other.

I am going to go to the interview and face my past, acknowledge my wrongs and how I disappointed and let the team down. Explain I was a different person back then and how my life and priorities have changed since then.

EVERYTHING about my life is genuinely completely different to then, I just don't know how to convey that to them without sounding like I am bullshitting! 

Of course I am scared to walk into a room with three of my ex colleagues judging me, in fact, that kept me awake for a while last night. 

But even if this just gives me the chance to apologise and explain what happened to me, I will be happy with that. It would be even better if they were to offer me my job back!

Watch this space!!

CD12 post IVF

My LH strips arrived in the post just now, so I will begin testing today to see if I ovulate naturally after IVF.
Im really not expecting my body to play ball this cycle, but hopefully it will settle down before February.

And I need a slap............ I ended up buying the mixed set 50 LH and 10 HPT!!!

I am almost ready for Christmas, but I cannot find Charlie a onesie anywhere! My mum has been sent out on a mission today to try and find one. Even online they are hard to get hold of and people are putting them on eBay for stupid amounts! The one Charlie wanted was £8 in the shop, but it has just gone on eBay for £21. And after checking my bank account after yesterdays shopping trip, I just can't afford to spend that much on something that should only cost half the amount. Bah Humbug!
And his birthday is coming up at the end of January, and we have managed to get his birthday present sorted already, so we hopefully won't be too skint come the New Year. That's being delivered next week.

On the 'friend' front, I had her phone line and broadband put in on Wednesday and I hadn't even had so much as a Thank You. So I texted her to ask if it was sorted and then an hour and a half later, I received a text saying thank you, but they put the wrong broadband in!!! Then we were just talking like nothing had happened.
I haven't forgotten what happened, and I don't think the friendship will ever be the same, but I am not going to waste precious energy keep winding myself up about it and its not worth making life awkward for either of us, or the third friend in the friendship.

I still haven't heard anything about that job, and that makes me really angry, I don't see why she got in touch with me in the first place, and then not even to respond to my email was just plain rude!

Oh, and my toothache is back. So I'm back on antibiotics that I have to go and pick the prescription up in a while. I always get thrush when I am on anti biotics, so Bongo won't be happy that he has to go even longer without some actual sex!!
I am back on diazepam and sleeping tablets for two weeks, just to get through the heartache and stress. I would rather have 2 weeks of low medications than have another manic phase with my bipolar and be put back on anti psychotics permanently or long term which I can't do if I want to have a FET soon or be pregnant.

My Mad Aunty!

I would like to make a separate post to thank my bonkers mad aunty for all the things she has given me over the weekend to sell towards my next treatment!

She has given me clothes, electrical, pictures and jewellery which most have been added to eBay, but I'm unsure of some of the jewellery, she says it's all costume jewellery, but I think some of it is quite expensive stuff, so I am going to get it appraised and if it's as expensive as I think it is, I will be taking it back to her and checking that she still wants me to have it.

My mum said, my Aunt knows exactly what she has given me and there is no reason to give it back, but I really don't want to take the piss.

She has also said that this isn't even half of what she wants to give me, but shes waiting for us to sell some of it before cluttering our house up with more!

So far, we have everything listed on eBay and the total reserve price is about £150 without the jewellery.

So Thank You AUNTY A!!
My family may be the most messed up crazy bonkers people you will ever meet in your life, but they are MY family and I love them to death for everything they are doing for us!

I'm Back!!

So, I'm back after having a horrible few days, and I also wasn't sure there was anything worth writing. Now there is.

Firstly, the bleeding has really stopped, except for a few blood clots with no bleeding, which is strange, but they seem to be subsiding.
I did ring the clinic back on Saturday and it was discussed that I may have to go in and have my lining checked and B/W to see if it was definitely still just the lining coming out and it wasn't anything awful going on, and also to check my white blood cells for any signs of infection. I was told to call back Sunday and let them know what was happening, and by then the bleeding had stopped, only little blood clots, so they said that's fine and I am still to just rest for the next day or so. The pain that day was really bad again, and I know my endo ladies will know what I mean when I say I felt like I was being stabbed from my 'behind' and it all cramps up back there. It takes your breath away and I was bend over the towel rail in the bathroom at one point, unable to sit down on the loo because the cramps literally stop you from being able to move. So dosed up on painkillers and touch wood, I've been fine since.

I also received the letter about the FET treatments from the clinic, but still no end of treatment follow up letter.

The letter basically explains to two different ways to do the treatment as I explained in my last post, just a little more in depth. I think they prefer you to have a medicated cycle for timings and planning.

It also states that 'natural vs HRT FER are unclear as no well conducted studies have compared the two (such a trial is ongoing in Oxford)'
I think this may the the study that the nurse told me about last week.

I am all for doing a natural cycle, and it's not such a long cycle as a medicated one.
I also think, I have tried the medicated IVF and that didn't work, maybe my body will work a bit naturally, doing a more natural cycle?
It does state that they can only do a natural cycle on someone who has regular ovulatory cycles. So I am just about to buy myself a shed load of LH strips again, so I can see  what my cycles are doing between now and February, because I am sure I didn't ovulate naturally for about 3 cycles after I finished Clomid, so I want to see what my body is doing now, so no surprises come February and I can plan ahead if I need to change my treatment plan to a medicated cycle.

I am just about to buy the LH strips, and of course, you can buy the mixed packs of LH strips and HPTs! I know I only need the LH strips and I don't want to even have HPTs in the house, especially not those evils ICs, but I just cannot help myself in thinking I will be kicking myself next cycle if I don't take the offer of the HPTs as well!! But I also know there is no way on this earth that I will get pg naturally, so why would I need the HPTs???
Damn it, I'm going for the LH strips only!! If I come back tomorrow and say I  bought the mixed pack, please promise to virtually slap me around the face!?

I can't believe I am back TTC naturally, that's a bit of a bummer to be truthful, but I won't actually be TTC, just keeping an eye on making sure my body is doing as it should.
So worried that all the meds are going to have messed something up in there.

I have had other stuff going on as well. I finally finished the friendship with my friend of over 20 years. I have no idea what is going on in that head of hers, I really don't. Its hard enough to deal with the way she treated me during my IVF cycle, and what she said last week about having an iPhone5 being better than having a baby....... She's very bad with drinking and drugs at the moment, she needs an intervention, but to be honest, I know there is no talking to her and I'm not going to waste my time. She has a new set of druggie mates she has round her house all the time, these are girls who have lost custody of their  own children to social services because they chose their drug habit over their own children. So to my friend, I must be really boring because I don't do these things, so it probably doesn't bother her to have lost me as a friend.
I've told you about her before, she just thrives on drama, always arguing with someone, then wanting to go out and find this person and fight them, or damage their cars or their house. Yes, I used to be naughty and go along with these things, but I have grown up and I'm not interested in doing these things, I don't see the point. I don't want to act like a 15 year old chav!!
She knew I was in contact with the clinic and hospital on Saturday and she knew why.
Then Sunday evening, she got herself involved in someone elses argument, and was rowing with some girl on FB, she kept ringing me and asking me find this girls address (which I could have done if I really tried, there is no hiding from DI KK) but I just wasn't interested. Neither was the girl who's argument she had got herself involved in as she was with me. Then she said this girl was slagging off her parenting skills, and I still wasn't interested, I'm sorry, but if you decide to row with a young girl, then expect shit to be said!! (also, when I had my SIL saying stuff about me, this 'friend' told me just to ignore it, so she should heed her own advice)
I know in the past, I have always been the gun and she's loaded the bullets, but I've cottoned on to that now. She asked me to message the girl and I refused and said it's not my argument, you carry on with your argument if you want and she said the girl with grass her up and have her arrested, which proves what I said, she didn't care if I was to get grassed up and arrested, so I refused and said, she's not slagging me off, so I don't care. Then she rang back saying she is now slagging me off, and I still said, I don't care, the girl doesn't know me, I don't care what she thinks of me!!
Then my 'friend' lost it at me, was being really horrible saying I was using my failed IVF as an excuse to be a gutless cunt and that she didn't care about me still being physically and emotionally ill from the failed IVF, I'm just using it as an excuse to be a selfish gutless cunt.
I told her I wasn't interested in arguing with anyone right now, I have my own problems, Bongo is still not coping well with the failed IVF and Charlie is having problems with his home life at his dads and his school life. I need to concentrate on me and my family.
She then started ranting and raving at me saying I never do anything for her and her kids, which really hurt, because I have ALWAYS put her and her kids before myself and even Bongo and my own family.
It also turns out, she has actually caused more trouble for our friend she was 'sticking up for' and she may now be getting kicked out of her flat because of this.
I ordered her phone line and broadband because she was made bankrupt a few weeks ago, and I have received the email from them to say they will be installing it tomorrow, but I haven't even had so much as a thank you from her. This is me..... who does nothing for her and her kids.
By using my IVF against me in this way is unforgivable, she crossed a line and there is no going back from this. We will never be friends again. I will be pleasant if I see her (which she won't be, I know her, in fact, I wouldn't put it past her to now cause more drama with me) She over stepped the mark by a mile, but strangely, today, I feel at peace with this. I feel my life will improve without this negative influence in it.
I know this may sound weird, but I wonder if my failed IVF is karma, because of all the stuff she has dragged me into before and I have been involved in some of this shit.
Now I just want to live a normal life, no drama, and if that means just me Bongo, Charlie and Daniel, then so be it. They are the people who make me happy!

You're wondering who Daniel is? Dan is the new addition to my little family that seems to keep growing without the need for a pregnancy! Dan is my nephew who is now living with us. When he was away at The British Racing School, my sister moved in with her new partner and has put her penthouse up for rent, so Dan decided he wanted to live with us, so here he is, keeping me company and sane during the long hours Bongo is at work.

On the job front, now this is another thing that has pissed me off, the woman emailed ME last week and asked ME if I wanted the job and she wanted to put me forward for the job. I have heard nothing since that phone call, so I emailed her Friday to ask if their was any news, and I still have not heard anything from her, not even to tell me I haven't got the job!!
Why do they do that? What does it cost them to be courteous and let you know where you stand?
So I'm taking it I haven't got a job and am still looking.
I really wanted that job.

--------------------------

I have just read back the above post about my friend, and realise just how immature she is, and how stupid and immature I have been to go along with her life for however long I was.
I am so bloody glad I wised up and am away from that stupid, immature life!
It makes me sound like I am about 15 years old and such a knobhead.
I never realised how writing a blog could actually make you realise who you need to make changes to your life for the better!
So Thank You VOLDERBUMP for the lifelong ban and giving me the push to write my own blog!!! HA HA HA!!

End Of Treatment

So, after days of waiting for a phone call from the clinic, I rang them back, as I still have fresh heavy bleeding and clots.
I rang and spoke to the receptionist and asked if I was supposed to have a phone call back and she said I should have done.
An hour later, a nurse rings me back and was very apologetic and cannot work out why I had been forgotten about and hadn't had a phone call back after my bfn.
I will receive an end of treatment outline letter from them shortly and I have the option to go in and discuss the treatment cycle with them.
I told her about the bleeding and she said it's pretty normal after the amount of drugs I have had in my body this cycle but that if it's still bad at the weekend, I am to give them a ring and go and see a doctor.

I asked her about having a FET. And for some reason, I had got in it my head that the clinic were avoiding me because none of my embies made it to freeze. But she assured me, all 5 had made it to freeze.
She explained the two different ways of doing a FET. Medicated or unmedicated, I asked which one has a higher success rate, but she said that a study recently had shown no difference between the two. She also said that because I have regular - between 28-32 day - cycles, I am eligible to go for an unmedicated cycle. The earliest I can go in for  FET is February as they like us to have 3 normal periods before they do anymore treatment.

So, unmedicated is that I go in at the beginning of my cycle for baseline scans, check out which will be a lead folly and B/W. Then I will do OPKs leading up to ovulation and when I get my surge, they will do the ET/FET 7 days later, then hpt 10 days later. Its as simple as that.

A medicated cycle would begin on CD21 again to DR, the usual scans and B/W on CD3 and then 2 weeks of Estrodial tablets. Then the FET.

Everything with a medicated FET will be timed exactly and we will know exactly when everything is happening. This obviously wouldn't be the case with an unmedicated cycle and it will be down to my body behaving. Also with the unmedicated, if I have my surge at a weekend, they will not do the transfer at a weekend, so the cycle will be cancelled and changed to the next cycle. But I won't be charged for the cancelled cycle.

A medicated FET is £790 + £250-£400 (for meds)
Unmedicated FET £790

I also explained that I am worried about any future transfer after what happened with this last one one (still a part of me wonders if the trauma from the transfer contributed to the bfn) and she said when I make the appointment for the end of treatment , I can discuss this with them and it is possible that they may dilate my cervix before the transfer, so we can make a treatment plan regarding this.

I am kind of swayed to having a natural FET this time, I've tried the cycle where I'm pumped full of medications, so maybe going natural will make a change.
I also don't want to take the piss out of my sister and expect to pay more if she doesn't have to. Its not completely necessary that I have a medicated cycle so I don't see why I can't give an unmedicated a go?

If this one doesn't work, I will save up along with my friends and family and do a medicated one in the future. I have 10 years to save up, I'm sure £1200 won't take too long to save up. And hopefully if I get this job I have been asked to apply for, I can do it in a couple of months.
Its all food for thought.

Emotionally I am still a wreck, Bongo's first day back at work today and I was really dreading it. I was so upset last night at the thought of him having to go back and I hardly slept. I hate being apart from him just now. I'm not normally a needy person, so I don't know why I feel like this. He is on his way home from work now and I can't wait for him to get in.
I am also exhausted and in so much pain. I think the amount of blood loss I am having is having an effect and the worry of that has also played a part. Hopefully it will ease up soon.

A bit disappointed I have to wait until February to have another shot at this, but at least it gives my body time to recover from the emotional and physical battering it has these past couple of months.

Proven Otherwise.........

Well, what a rough couple of days...

I done my last HPT on Monday morning and it was bfn as expected. So I rang the clinic again and it was suggested to me that I would be receiving a phone call back from them at some point. Well it's now 9pm on Tuesday and I still haven't heard from them. After such amazing treatment and how well I was looked after during my treatment, I feel kind of disappointed and abandoned.
I would like to know where I stand and where we go from here. I know to expect a follow up appointment, but I was expecting at least a phone call to let me know what to expect.

So yesterday was a bad day, after spending £300 getting my car through the MOT and Road Tax and being absolutely skint 3 days after payday, we went to go into town to arrange some money and the damn car broke down, just wouldn't start. Then, just as my mum turned up with the jump leads and us almost killing her car trying to jump start ours (I managed to fix mums thank god! Yes I know more about cars than most men, being the girl racer that I am) we went upstairs to have a cup of tea and a think, and AF turned up just as I walked up the stairs.

Major emotional breakdown ensues...........

I try talking to bongo about how are we going to fix the car? How are we going to afford to fix the car? How are we going to get some money full stop? How is he going to get to work with no car? I can't not get Charlie presents for Christmas.
I am fed up of my parents always having to bail us out financially, I am too tired to ask my mum for financial help and the lectures that goes with me asking to borrow money. My AF has just arrived which is a physical reminder that my body failed, I'm racked with pain, another physical reminder that its MY body that failed. Mr Super Sperm can rest easy at night knowing he's ok. I'm tired of it all going wrong, I want him to deal with it.
I screamed, I shouted, I cried, he tried walking out to walk to town and sort the money out, just when I finally opened up and showed my feelings about how I feel about this failed cycle. Yes, I show it by getting angry, but after all this time together, he should know that's how I show I'm at breaking point, I just needed a cuddle, I needed to let it out and he walked away trying to solve the other problems. In hindsight, bless him, he couldn't have done right. But I followed him and screamed and shouted by the back door and our neighbour who is a total dickhead, called the police on us again!!

Further breakdown commences, bongo managed to convince the police it was someone arguing down the alley at the back of out house. But I just couldn't take anymore. Dark thoughts entered my head, those old feelings of self harm came back, but I managed to push them away. Just really couldn't take anymore and didn't know how to cope.

As I said, I'm tired of asking my parents for money, so I ask bongo to ask his sister (who knows how much my family does for me and knows about my sisters offer to pay for FET) and she refuses to help and tells him it's just material things he wants money for!!! At that point I lose it again, how can she say that?? He needs the car to get to work, to put a roof over our heads and food in our stomachs! Silly me, didn't realise that a job to pay for food and a home isn't a necessity.

On top of that, my so called friend who has been mentioned on here a few times, decided to tell me that the iPhone5 that bongo ordered for me on Saturday was much better than having a baby anyway (says the woman with 4 kids) and then later while another friend is here and she's on the phone to her, asks her to tell me that Kate Middleton is pregnant!!! What goes on in her head?? Why would my so called best mate of 30 years tell me that 2 days after I find out my IVF has failed and the day AF arrives.

Mum and dad turned up later that night and take the battery out of the car to take it away to charge it on the heavy duty battery charger (my dad builds motorbikes) and I spoke to my mum about lending us the money to get the car fixed if we need it, and it makes me feel a bit better.

Today:
A friend has lent us her car, but it was too late to get to my mums to sell the other car which was supposed to be picked up at 8am (seriously need the cash), but we managed to get to mums to get the battery that has been charging and put it back in my car and my car is now working!! Yay, yay, yay!!

We manage to get into town to sort the cash flow situation out, not rich by any means, but we have cash again!

We will be meeting the person picking the car up tomorrow, so again, more cash!

Today is getting better............

Then AF seriously kicks in! I have been in some serious pain, no painkillers are touching it, my hot water bottle is soothing it, but not taking the pain away. I am bleeding really heavy and I have lost a blood clot the size of my palm twice. It's scaring me. We have decided one more loss like that and we will be paying a visit to A&E. and ringing the out of hours doctor at the clinic.

I have such a fear of 'wasting my sisters money' on a FET and it not working as well and I spoke to my mum about this, she said my sister understands the odds and has done her research and by no means is there any pressure on me to get pregnant because my sister is paying. My sister is just giving us another chance.
But my mum has decided to start a 'fund' that we can all put some money into to start saving towards a third FET, all of my friends are on board with this, we will be doing car boots, selling things on eBay and maybe getting our heads together for more ways to save, so any weird and wonderful ideas any of you have would be excellent.
We also agreed that should my first FET be successful and I have a live birth from it, we have agreed that we will be donating the money to someone who also needs/wants a round of IVF.

In other news, I received an email about a prospective job, I spoke to the woman at the agency and she would like to put me forward for the job and if I'm accepted, I can start next week. It's going a bit backwards in my career, back to dentistry, but I just need a job right now, financially to get by month to month, to save for FET and also to keep my busy little mind occupied and stop sitting at home worrying the small stuff, and also to keep my mind off the LTTTC, IVF, FET etc etc

Game Over

As you can probably tell by the title, it was BFN.

I tested late of Friday night, but of course I was expecting it, I had a little cry, but I think I'm dealing with it quite well. Not as bad as I thought.
Bongo hasn't dealt with it quite so well.

I then tested again at 6.15am on Saturday morning with the official test they sent me home from the clinic with and of course that is BFN.

Bongo has taken on the traits of a LTTTCer, he keeps going back to the tests to check if anything has changed or if we missed a little line, changes the angles in the light, holds it up to the light, but of course nothing has changed.

I rang the clinic and left a message to say it was BFN and could I stop the Cyclogest, but being the div I am, I forgot to leave my number, so no one has rung me back, so I have just continued with the pessaries, my last one is tonight anyway, and I will ring them back tomorrow.

Of course AF hasn't shown, because of the pessaries, so maybe she will make an apperance in the next few days when I stop the meds, but strangly, all pains have gone since I done the tests. I have NO pains whatsoever.

I will use my last test Monday morning, as then it has been 48 hours since my last. Not that I'm expecting anything to show up!!

Next step is to have a follow up appointment, so hopefully that will be in a couple of weeks, and there is a light at the end of this big long dark tunnel...............
My sister rang me yesterday morning and asked what the next steps are, I told her we have frosties, so we will have to start saving our pennies, and blow me down with a feather, if she didn't just come out with 'the money is here waiting for when your ready to go' my wonderful sister has offered to pay, not lend, the money for go for a FET.
My sister is not a very approachable person, I can't even ask to borrow a fiver because she is such a miserable moo bag, and she had text me the night before to ask what I want for Christmas, and I asked for wellie boots, so she asked me to send her a link to the ones I want, cheekily, I asked for a pair of yard boots which are around £40 expecting to be told not to take the pss, then she sent me a link back to some wedge wellies asking if I wanted them instead, I looked at the price and they were £100!!!! I was trying to pluck up the courage to ask that instead of spending £100 on a pair of boots for me, can she put the money in a savings account to start saving towards my FET when she just came out with that she will pay for the lot and the cash is there when I'm ready.
This has definitley softened the blow somewhat.

I am scared about 'wasting my sisters money' if it doesn't work again. And I am adamant, no matter what they say this time, I am putting at least 2 frosties back!! But I am wondering if they are going to say that I need surgery on my cervix first.

I have loads more I want to say, but my brain is going to expload! I will pop back and update as soon as I remember things.

Mix of Emotions

I can't get my head straight today!!

So I suddenly woke up at 2am and realised I had wished my PUPO stage away, why hadn't I just enjoyed it? This time tomorrow, it will be all over, or maybe not, that little bit of hope was reignited last night.

I started feeling really bloated again last night and had the same 'trapped wind' feeling I had after EC. I also woke up at one point to feel my ovaries screaming back into life, which I started having a panic about. Then even more stupidly of me, I consulted Dr Google, who informed me HCG will cause the same 'symptoms' of OHSS or how I felt around the time of EC. If you get pregnant after IVF there is a chance the HCG will bring your symptoms back. Nice one dipshit, get a bit of hope, only to crash and burn again tomorrow.

I woke AGAIN, at 6.15am to go and have a wee, sat up too quickly and almost puked over the cat. Still feel nauseous now, and a little bit light headed, but putting that down to a random nights sleep and the pessaries.

The dreams were back. Only this time, twice I dreamt that I had my BFP. Once I was in the car with my mum and I kept having a go at her for not being too excited!! Now, I know my mum is not one to show her feelings, ever, but she has done during this cycle of IVF, so I don't know what that was about.
The other dream was a BFP dream as well and I stuck the test on the inside of my kitchen cupboard along with my medication schedule!
I have no idea what these dreams mean. I sometimes do have BFP dreams, so I'm not reading too much into it.
And I keep dreaming of alcohol, yesterday it was about drinking a bottle of Jack, and last night was about the Deperado's I have in the fridge and I dreamt they had passed their sell by date!!

I didn't realise this last 24 hours would be so emotionally draining, and where this little 1% of hope has suddenly come from, I have no idea.

I have a lot of guilt as well, and this is going to sound odd. But I haven't 'bonded' with the embryo. I haven't rubbed my belly loads and coached it along. And I think if I don't get my BFP, it's because I didn't show it enough love while I had it.

I'm still tempted to go and get a FRER today, as Bongo has work tomorrow and I have to get up at 6.15 to do the test before he goes to work and I'm worried about how he will cope if it's BFN. If I do it today, we have today to deal with the emotions.
I'm just not sure.

I'm off to go back to bed for a while, as I really do feel icky and light headed.........

I need to brush my teeth but can't stop heaving, I feel like stig of the dump.

9dp5dt

So after my major hissy yesterday, I had a chat with Bongo and told him how I really feel that this hasn't worked. Of course he is disappointed, but he trusts my instincts, and I feel better for getting it off my chest. I feel more at peace with this and less inclined to test today, what will be will be.

I have a funny feeling I won't be making it to Saturdays OTD though, I was woken up at 4am with some serious AF pains and the start of a migraine. I have different AF pains on the lead up to, I have 'cramps' up to 5 days before AF (what I have been having) then the day before and the day off, I have these really deep dragging cramps and feel very wet, which I have had since 4am, so I have a feeling that she could make an appearence before OTD. I keep running to the loo because I think the witch has made an apperance, but maybe the Cyclogest is the only thing actually stopping the bleed. Oh and (.)(.) compleely stopped hurting last night, but for some reason, I'm ok with this and have stopped poking and prodding.

I know when AF turns up, I will be in bits, or if I make it to Saturday, seeing that bfn will break my heart, but I think talking to Bongo last night and preparing myself for it has really helped me come to terms with it. I think my biggest fear is telling Bongo, but I have already prepared him for it, so when it happens, it's not so much of a blow.

I would like to say a big big big thank you to all my girls yesterday for their support and help through that bad day and for always being there. I know how hard it must be for some of you to come here and read this. 

From Bad To Worse

For FUCKS SAKE (Sorry Cat)

Do people have brains inside their heads??

I Literally deactivated my FaceBook 5 mins ago. An old school friend, (not very close, keep in touch, I'll pop round for a coffee maybe once every 3 months, she's a know it all) rang me maybe not even 2 mins after I deactivated it wanting an update!

BOY DID I SNAP!!! I asked her if she was a thick c**t (maybe a bit harsh) but I deactivated my FB for a reason, because I don't want to talk about it, so what goes on in her head to think its OK to ring me and ask me over the phone!!!

And whats made it even worse is, I have realised after loosing it so bad, that this is another sign that AF is imminent. I snap and I scream and shout at someone the day or so before she arrives. Thanks for depressing me even more you fucktard!

Oh and now she has just text me and left a voice mail. Sat here in tears, now knowing because of my mood that it's failed.

Cried on the phone to my mum, I just want to test and get it over and done with. I can't cope with this anymore.

8dp5dt

Patience has never been a strong point of mine............

I am itching to test, just to get it over with, but on the other hand, I want to enjoy my last 3 days of being PUPO, but I'm not really enjoying it, just worrying.

I did not sleep at all well last night, just worry worry worry. Instead of having thoughts on how to tell people it BFP. I am planning my speech and texts on how to say its BFN without completely loosing it.
I know you want to tell me off for this, but the way I see it is, if I think negative and it is BFN, I have nothing to lose, but if it's BFP then I have a lovely happy surprise.

I shouldn't look into symptoms, but I really can't help it. They come and go and it's confusing and upsetting.

Yesterday and the day before, I had quite bad AF pains, and felt quite wet downstairs, I always have this days before AF is due on a natural cycle, so obviously I'm thinking the worst, and also my (.)(.) keep changing if they hurt or not, and again, this is a sign during a natural cycle that AF will arrive.
BUT, I'm not doing a natural cycle, am I? And all these symptoms are down the the Cyclogest, but I expect my symptoms to be pretty consistent seeing as I am taking the same dose everyday, But, no, its just another headfuck!
Today I have woken up and feel really nauseous, again, the top side effect of the Cyclogest!

My every waking thought is to do with testing and symptoms now, and I'm pissing myself off. I just cannot stop!
I even sat down to watch the Harry Potter movies yesterday and I found my thoughts drifting, pausing the TV and googling something on my phone or iPad!!

I am grumpy as hell as well. Not with Bongo weirdly though, he is the first person normally to get hit with both barrels, but not recently. He has just been on the receiving end of my bitching about whoever has pissed me off that day.
I made a point of posting on my FB, this is what I wrote:
 "Would like to thank everyone who has shown their support to Bongo and I recently, I know you all want to hear good news.
But I really need just this week with Bongo and Charlie, so I am deactivating my account for a while as of tomorrow.
As soon as I feel able to, you will have an update
Again, thank you for your support. Xxx"

So, how many people do you think then PM'd me asking for an update??? Is everyone a bit thick??

 
 My ex husband is getting too 'husbandy' again, thinking he can tell me how to raise Charlie, what I can and can't do as a mother, how I must punish Charlie for being naughty at school (may I point out,  in court, that fucknut told them I wasn't capable of dealing with Charlies schooling and he must have him during the week so that his schooling is dealt with properly and responsibly as I was incapable of this, he has also blocked the schools from ever giving me details about Charlies schooling, his nativities, plays, assemblies, school reports etc etc, until I took in the court order to the school to prove he does not have 'sole custody' or any sort of 'custody', we have joint residency) So in my eyes, if he's naughty at school and you have blocked me from being a proper mother and dealing with his schooling, why should I back you up now???

I have been highly emotional as well. I went out to see my nephew at his racing school on Sunday. He has been having a really hard time and we had nearly every day of last week him crying on the phone because he wants to come home. When we saw him, he actually looked like he was going to have a breakdown. He looked physically and emotionally fucked. He seemed happy enough to stay and see how he gets on, as I said one day at a time. If I could only take my own advice! But bless him, he was more worried about me!
We also took my dad, who is 63, and I had never noticed it before, but he is getting old. I mean noticeably old, and it has really scared me and upset me. He ordered a coffee but doesn't drink coffee, and we kept having to find little coffee shops to go and sit down so he could take a rest. God, this has really upset me now thinking about it. Dad has always been the butt of our jokes, especially about his 'senior moments' and of course being the family that we are, we put on a brave face and had a laugh and a giggle about it, but my sister and I just kept giving each other knowing looks.
Dad has always been upset that neither my sister or I have ever named one of our children after him. He has a very unusual name, so just a middle name. So I would love to give him that, which I will if I'm lucky enough to have a baby (as it can be changed into a girls name just by adding an E), my sister will never have anymore children, so I really want to give this to my dad, NOW. I feel an urgency after seeing him like that on Sunday.
I am just being over emotional, I know he has many more years left in him.

Well, that was a nice depressing post. Sorry for that, just needed to get that off my chest.

ETA: Just wanted to add, my nephew didn't make it. His bully instructor had one last dig Monday morning, which was the final straw for D, and he came home that evening. As disappointed as I am for him, that this man has ruined the career he so desperately wanted, I am glad that he is home now and can heal physically and emotionally, take stock and reassess where he wants to go from here.

6dp5dt

So, I am six days past a five day transfer....6dp5dt

I don't really have a lot to report really, emotionally, my feelings are very up and down, Saturday was a very bad day and just felt so negative and sat and discussed with Bongo and Charlie how stupid I will feel that my body has failed if I get a BFN, but I will feel even more stupid for actually believing that I would possibly get my BFP. I know my LTTTCers will know exactly what I mean there!

Physically has been on and off as well, I am having the usual tiredness, nausea and sore boobs, but this is down to the Cygolest (progesterone pessaries) so I know not to look into that.
After the transfer for a few days when I went to toilet, I would have a sharp pain around my laft ovary area, but as the nurse said, my ovaries are still pretty swollen, so it must be that.

I am having really bad, vivid nightmares, every night I am waking up shivering or crying. The nightmares are not even really to do with myself, they can be really random, but still very upsetting.
I'm not even going to try and anylise them.

I'm also feeling a lot of pressure from RL friends who keep messaging me everyday on FB asking how things are going. I have explained time and time again, that I wont know anything until the 1st December, so there's no point asking me everyday. It feels like I am public property at the moment and I actually think it's really rude! I understand they care and they want to hear good news, but don't they also think about how I will feel having to tell them I am not pregnant? It's putting a lot of pressure on myself to have good news to tell them as well, which seems ridiculous! My body, my journey, it's a private thing.
So, as of Friday morning, I will be deactivating my Facebook temporarily so people cannot contact me, if and when I feel ready, I will update here.

So here's what should be happening inside me right now, and of course the urge to POAS is incredible! But I only have one test and I am not buying anymore, so I will just have to wait it out!

6dp5dt:   Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) starts to enter the blood stream

And silly me reading through some forums and some ladies have their BFP on 5dp5dt, which was yesterday...........

Transfer

What a drama!

Let me start off by telling you, that as a child I had a constant bladder infection and I was in and out of hospital for almost 3 years so I now have an irritable bladder and I have panic attacks as soon as I feel the need to go to toilet. I knew this was going to become a problem, and I have always managed to have scans and the mock transfer without having a full bladder so I hoped that I would be able to get through the 10 min transfer without too much of a problem.

We went in to the transfer room, and thankfully, I had Nikki there to do the transfer and I did explain about my irritable bladder and she was great.

The embryologist came into the room and said we have 4 top grade day 5 blastocyst embryos, two hadn't quite caught up so they were going to culture them over night and two hadn't made it. They said they would only transfer one as they were such great quality and freeze the other 3 today, culture the other two overnight then freeze them in the morning. With the grade of the embryo they were transferring, I had a 60% pregnancy rate.
There were 3 nurses and the embryologist in the room at the time and they all said that it was an excellent result to have 5 top grade frosties.

Then we get down to business, legs up in stirrups, bits hanging out and we are ready to go! I started having a panic about my bladder as soon as they put the ultrasound wand on my stomach, but kept talking myself down saying that it was only 10 mins. We were watching on the screen and I could see they couldn't get the catheter in, it was going at some weird angles and they just kept hitting a dead end, we were probably trying about 25 mins then I started panicking, crying, felt sick, so they decided it was best for them and for me to have a rest and come back, they let me go to toilet and said maybe an empty bladder would change my anatomy slightly and may make it a bit easier.
So we went into the waiting room where my bestie was sat waiting for us and I burst into tears again and said I felt so stupid, she managed to calm me down and I felt a bit better. Nikki came out and I cried again and she was telling me to stop worrying, it wasn't my fault, I have a S shaped cervix, which is more like a two Zs put together as all the angles are 90 degrees, so its that that's making it difficult, not me. She was so good with me, calmed me down, made jokes and explained that the last woman they had in who had this problem it had taken them 1 and a half hours, but she had rung that morning to tell them she had her BFP. She also asked if I had had an HSG at some point as they seem to think there is some damage to my cervix and that a 'fake channel' had been formed and that's where the catheter kept going. And also my ovaries were still quite swollen so that was probably having an impact as well.

So back in to try again, and Nikki had to go and see another patient, so they decided that another nurse would give it a go, I had an empty bladder this time, so they could try a bit longer and I was less stressed out and more comfortable ( as comfortable as you can be when someones ramming a catheter into your cervix) but they still couldn't get it in, they were probably trying for an hour, you could see them and hear them all talking to each other, and asking where and what they should do from here? They were starting to get a bit worried, they called the embryologist in who gave them a different kind of catheter to use, but they still couldn't get it past that one point.
We over heard a conversation about possibly sedating me tomorrow and doing it that way, and that really upset to think I had to wait another day, so they sent us back into he waiting room so they could discuss their options and try and find the head doctor so he could come and have a go.
At this point the worst of my worries were that I would have to come back the next day...........

So off they pop to get the head doctor (another lovely man) he took us into the room and explained if he could not get the catheter in, they will be freezing all my embies, doing surgery on my cervix and then have a FET in future. Well for more than one reason, we obviously didn't want that to happen.
The doctor left the room so I could get undressed AGAIN, and this time, I took my lucky socks off, they hadn't done me such fucking good so far today, and they had me in a different room which was the opposite way round to the room I had been in and Bongo said that was probably a good thing as well!!
So the doctor comes in and in my head I'm just thinking 'I don't care what you do and how rough you are, just get that damn catheter in' and luckily within about 10/15 mins, lots of pain, prodding, pulling and stabbing, you suddenly heard the sonographer at first very quietly say 'I think it's in' then louder 'yep, it definitely in' and a collective sigh of relief through the whole of the staff, I turned to look at Bongo and bless him, he had burst into tears, I couldn't really do a lot, except let a little sob out, as I had my legs in stirrups, my lady parts clamped open with a speculum and a catheter though my cervix, I couldn't get up and give him a hug and I couldn't look at him, because I just needed to get through this without breaking down again,.

The embryologist came in and done the usual name and DOB checks on my embryos and then went off and loaded the new catheter with the embryo and bought it back. This whole time, they had kept the ultrasound on me and we were allowed to watch as they put the embryo into my uterus, then they paused the screen so we could see, and then the nurse printed us off a picture and said we could keep it as I had been through so much trauma, they don't usually do that for patients.

The little white blob is the embryo in fluid inside my uterus, it isn't very clear as I had an empty bladder.

Everyone including all the staff was so relieved, then we were given information and fact sheets and a pregnancy tests and told to keep taking the pessaries that I can now take vaginally (whoohooo) and told to test on the 1st December. I was officially told I am PUPO and I am to act as if I am 100% pregnant.

I do believe that because it was a male doctor doing it, he was probably a lot more forceful and rougher , the ladies were maybe being a bit more gentle as they are more sympathetic to how it feels, I just had a good feeling when they said it was a male doctor, as I had a feeling he would make sure it happened come hell or high water as he didn't fully comprehend the pain!! 

So finally we have an embryo which we have named PEA, as Bongo and my best friend were with me and they are known as 'two peas on a pod'. It feels weird to know that I have a 'baby' in me, but I don't physically feel any different.

I have found a brilliant website that tells you what happens everyday with the embryo until test date, I'm not sure if that's such a wise idea though!!

http://www.nyufertilitycenter.org/ivf/embryo_transfer

And also this morning, I managed to have my first BM since Thursday!! I was so scared to go though, I was scared I was going to push the embryo out, but seeing as I have the most retarded cervix (as my mate now calls it) I don't think anything is going to come out of there though!

I do now wonder if that is why I couldn't get pregnant naturally, his swimmers would have needed an A-Z, a SatNav and a survival pack to have made that journey through my cervix. They didn't exactly say that at the clinic because obviously they didn't want to give me a definite diagnosis there and then, but I think thats what they were thinking.

So now just to count down the days until the 1st December, this is going to be the longest 10 days ever!

oh and by the time we left, 3 hours later, the slower two of the embryos that they wanted to culture overnight had caught up and were ready for freezing along with the others!

This time tomorrow....

So, this time tomorrow, as long as all goes according to plan, I will be 8 hours PUPO!

And thank God, I only have to do one more pessary rectally, tomorrow nights I can do vaginally, thats cause for celebration in itself!
Talking of the pessaries, I left one out on my bedside table ready for last nights, went into the front room to grab something quickly, came back and it was gone, nowhere to be seen. I hunted high and low for my little wax bullet and guess what? Sophie had eaten it and left just the wrapper in my bed under my pillow!! How on earth she managed to unwrap the thing and eat it is beyond me, but nothing that dog does surprises me anymore!!

The BIG conversation came up tonight. I know NHS guidelines dictate that only 1 embryo can be put back, but the final decision is up to the clinic. We read through the paperwork tonight and it does say that we still need to have made this decision, well between us, we can't decide, there is so many factors to take into consideration, in a way, I kind of hope that decision is taken out of our hands tomorrow. I'm swayed 85% that I would like 2, but the reality of a multiple pregancy for me is very high risk, so I have that bit of doubt.

Instead of me sitting here writing out the facts and statistics, I have added the fact sheet we got from the clinic, I hope it legible and makes more sense than I would!!

Embies Day3

Had my phone call from the clinic today to tell me if I should go in today for a 3DT or Tuesday for  a 5DT.

All embies are doing really well, so we are booked in for a 5 day Blastocyst Transfer on Tuesday at 12.30pm and hopefully we will have some frosties as well.

Now the pressure is really on for them to implant, and I am so scared because of my endo that the scarring from the adhesions and all the surgery over the years will affect the implantation.

Physically, I'm still suffering, but not as bad, I just have bouts of unbearable pain, but I can cope, I cooked a roast for the family today and started to get pains half way through, I also nearly managed to severe my thumb when chopping the swede, so it probably wasn't my wisest move.
Oh and I haven't been for a BM since I had the shits on Thursday, I don't even feel the need to go, so I wouldn't call it constipated, and I have been eating like a horse for the past few days, so I don't know where all this food is going? I know I need to go, but I just don't need to! I know the bloating will feel tons better when I do finally go!  I also suspect the pessaries are playing a part in this and are clogging me up somewhat, as they explained that I cannot take them vaginally until after the transfer as the wax in the pessary will clog up around the cervix and make it hard to get through the cervix for transfer, so I imagine this is the same for the back as well.

Also the conversation of what to do if we have 7 frosties has come up, of course we won't have 7 babies, and even if my IVF fails and I have other tries, I certainly won't be trying 7 times, or will I?
If my IVF fails, will I donate them? But how would I cope knowing someone out there has 100% mine and Bongo's baby and I don't??

So much to think about...........

Feeling a bit better

I'm still quite sore and tender, but not half as bad as I was, just feeling very sorry for myself and getting cabin fever!
I'm still sleeping sitting up, to help with draining any fluid and I think it's working, the pains in my upper abdomen and shoulder are almost gone (except for when I eat, as you can magine, my tummy being full with an abdomen full of fluid makes for very uncomfortable KK) and I am going for a wee loads, so it's obvious my kidneys are working properly to rid me off all the excess fluid! Go kidneys!

Just been to the loo and am still spotting slightly, but as far as I know, thats completely normal, it has only been 48 hours since EC.

Bongo is back at work today and I was having a bit of a panic about being on my own after being in so much pain, but Charlie is being an absolute star! He came and woke me up this morning, asking if I wanted a cup of tea and a packet of crisps for breakfast! He has been taking Sophie out for walks and just being generally a little superstar! I don't know how I would have coped today without him already.

Bongo has just emailed me from work and of course all we can talk about are our 8 embies, and he said the sweetest thing, he hopes they didn't stay up too late and that they are all looking after each other!!

It is the weirdest feeling knowing my embies are 35 miles away and someone else is looking after them and not me. A very strange reality.

I hope they are like their mummy and daddy and fighting with all their might.

Just waiting for tomorrow mornings phone call to see how they are getting on, I'm under no illusions that all eight will have made it. But we will just have to wait and see what tomorrow brings.

Please litlle baby BonKKs, make it till Tuesday, so we have the best chance!!

Mummy, Daddy and big Brother ChaCha love you loads

Any Embryos?

So after the worse nights sleep ever and possibly the worse pain I have ever been in, I still cannot walk and I have hunched over like an old lady I woke up at 9am to use my progesterone suppository. It wasn't as bad as yesterdays pain killing suppository, I think I have found a nack, so as not to push any air up there when I do it.

I am still in a lot of pain, so Bongo went and bought me some wind ease tablets, which has eased it a bit, but my lips are swollen and lumpy, which I get when I am alleric to something, I am falling apart!!!

Waiting for the phone call from the clinic this morning and has got to be the longest wait of my life, but the ended up ringing at 12.15pm.

Out of the 9 eggs they retrieved, 8 have fertilised!!!! YAY!!!

It was explained that they would keep cooking them until Sunday, and I will recieve a call to tell me how they are doing. If I have less than 3 embryos and of lower quality, the will do a three day transfer. But the plan is to cook them until Tuesday to a five day blastocyst transfer, and hopefully if there are more of good quality I can have some frosties as well.

I have been laying either in bed or on the sofa all day and I feel absolutley pants, so I'm going to try and go back to sleep and sleep this pain away and hopefully, I will be better by tomorrow as Bongo is back at work and I will have to fend for myself!! (Charlie has been given his orders to look after me, but I doubt that will go to plan!!)

Egg Retrival

Sorry I didn't update yesterday, the EC took it out of me more than I imagined. You will have to excuse my jumbled post for today, I'm still in a fair bit of pain and still a bit groggy from the sedation, I hope this makes some sense!

Again, I am going to sing the praises of my clinic, I cannot thank them enough for the care given.
I am the first to admit, I am not their usual class of private patient, being the biker looking chav with pink shaved hair and covered in tattoos, but they are all so down to earth and ready for a laugh and a chat, they really really put me at ease.

As some of you know, I have had a bit of a dodgy tummy for about a week now on and off, but it had seemed ok for the day or so before. Well, I had to use that damn rectal suppository before I left for the clinic, it was horrible! I felt like I needed a poo, it gave me the really bad stomach ache, I couldn't even have  fart because I probably would have had someones eye out if I had trumped, it would have shot out loikea bullet! I'm not sure if it was the dicky tummy I have had, or just the fact that I had to ram something resembling a bullet up my poop shoot. I was in pain for the whole hours journey there.

Within 10 mins of being there, they had me in the gown and had been talked through the procedure and signed the consent. But it didn't feel rushed. Bongo decided it would be a good idea to take pictures of me looking oh so sexy in my gown, and thats when we realised just how bloated I was, I actually look pregnant.

Then I'm off to theatre!

I walked into the room, and everyone was so friendly, you would never have thought what was just about to happen was about to happen! The anaesthatist was a lovely man, telling me he had never come across and husband who's name was Bongo before! We got talking about how Bongo got his nickname.

The stirrups on the operating table were very different to what I was expecting (what a weird thought) they were actually like the airboot I had when I ruptured my achilles tendon.

Then I was telling the anaethatist to make me nice and sleepy, and as he was putting the venflon in, the nurse opened up a picture on the wall and a man poked his head through so I could confirm my name and DOB with the lab!! (No, this wasn't a dream after I had been sedated, this really did happen!)

Next thing I know, I am being woken up and its all over and done with! I chatted the ususal bollocks with the man in recovery, but what a lovely man he was, and he chatted bollocks back to me!

As soon as I was put back in the room with Bongo, I obviously had to text my girls

I was given a hot chocolate, some biscuits and told as soon as the embryologist has been and spoken to me, and I have had a wee, I can go home.

The embryologist comes in and tells me I had 9 eggs, but they wont know much mor about quality and maturity until they start fertilisation, they also said Bongos SA was good (no surprise there) and we would get a phone call tomorrow morning before 12pm to let us know if and how many eggs have fertilised.

I was given my instructions on the pessaries and told to go home and rest. I have to take the pessaries rectally until the ET because the wax in the pessaries can clog up around the cervix and makeit difficult for the transfer.

So I got home and fell asleep on Charlies bed straight away, and then woke up in agony. I feel as though I have the worst trapped wind in my stomach and chest. I don't have any other symptoms of OHSS so I'm not worried.

The pain got worse and worse all night, and when I had a small dinner (indian, probably not my best idea) it just made it ten times worse. I actually do not believe I have ever been in so much pain. Then of course the diahroah started!! I actually do not think I could have felt any worse. I have the biggest sympathy for any woman who suffers with OHSS, as mine wasn't quite OHSS and I felt so ill.

You are not warned about these things!

Anyway, I had to sleep sitting up, so that any fluid in my abdomen and chest could drain downwards, and it is possibly the worst nights sleep I have ever had.



Egg Retrival Today.

So, I'm leaving for my EC in an hour!

I was very very bloated, full up and tender last night, I couldn't walk properly and was hunched over because of the pain. So hopefully that was the HCG giving them one last boost!

I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, it finally hit home that I am actually in for my EC today! But when I did fall asleep, I had my very own incubator helping cook my little eggies along for the last stretch.

I'm not sure how I will feel later or even tomorrow, but I hope to be able to update and tell you how many egg were retrieved, and I will get a phone call tomorrow morning to let me know how many, if any, have fertilised.

Getting very nervous now, but I had better be off to have a bath and try and make myself look half beautiful without having any make up on!

Uncomfortable and Miserable

So within hours of me doing the HCG trigger last night, I became very uncomfortable and miserable.
Now the trigger is doing the final maturation of the follies, I can really feel it now!

I feel so full up inside, and I'm getting quite bad twinges in my ovaries, I feel a pressure low down in my abdomen which is making me very uncomfortable.
I was up all night tossing and turning because I just could not get comfortable, and I have been much the same today. I'm getting really miserable now.

I have also had the two bob bits today which hasn't helped.

Bongo and I have just cleaned the house from top to bottom in preperation for me beng a bloated miserable uncomfortable (even worse then today) bitch when I come home from the EC tomorrow, but I expect Sophie will have trashed the house before we get home anyway, so we have probably wasted our time.

00.30am Trigger

It's 00.30am on Wednesday and I have just done my final shot, the HCG Trigger (Ovitelle)

I didn't even feel it go in, no stinging or pain whatsoever.

I'm kind of sad that it's my last and final injection, I shall miss my nightly routine.

Now it's count down, 37 hours and counting until EC

Mondays Date with the Dildo Cam

So I went back to the clinic yesterday for the follow up scan to see if any of the follies had grown over the weekend, I was really expecting the cycle to be cancelled. I hadn't really felt much difference over the weekend, only bad backache like AF pains.

I wasn't told how many I had, but from what I could see, possibly 5 are OK, and I have a big one on my ovary matching the lead folly on the left, so it seems the weekend of stimming has really helped. B/W was also taken to check my estrodial levels and if all was OK with that I would be booked in for Wednesday or Thursday for EC. I would receive a phone call from the clinic in the afternoon to tell me the situation.
At this point I would also like to say that I had the most amazing and down to earth nurse I have ever seen there, so this is my thank you to Nikki!

At 5pm, I get my phone call and here are my instructions!

Last night (Monday) I had to stimm with 150IU and carry on sniffing.
I am to carry on sniffing today and take my trigger shot at 00.30am tonight/tomorrow morning
Then I am in for EC on Thursday at 13.30pm, I have to take the voltarol suppository rectally before leaving for the clinic! Oh the JOYS!!

Exciting times!!

The injection last night was a bit different, because I was given two vials of 75IU that I had to mix together, instead of just drawing 150IU from a 600IU vial, I had a little panic, but think I done OK, it's so strange when your doing it yourself for yourself!


Now that one stage is over, I am on to worrying about the quality and quantity of the eggs and back to the old, will they fertilise!
As soon as you are past one stage, you can't help but worry about the next.

I shall video me doing my trigger tonight, it's very different to the injections I was doing, it's in a prefilled pen, which seems to be a lot easier, but knowing my luck, I'll make it into a drama!

Oh, and my bbs are KILLING me, I have never had such sore, tender bbs ever!! The nipples started being sore and tender Saturday night, then slowly they have got more and more tender, today, I cannot even wear a bra, my whole bbs hurt so bad. I just cannot wait until I start taking the progesterone suppositories on top of that!! << Sarcastic font!!

Date Didn't Go So Well..

Yesterdays date didn't go so well. (Even though I wore watching underwear to my surroundings, the dildo cam just didn't appreciate it)

So, they like a lining of between 7-9mm and follicles to be 18mm.
I had an AFC of 17 at the beginning of this cycle, I wasn't expecting all of them to grow, but some at least)

My lining is at 8.7mm, so a perfect lining.
Then we get to my follies, I have 8 on my right ovary and 7 on my left, not a bad number, but their sizes are crap. I have a lead folly at 17mm on my left, but all the rest are at 8 ,9, 10 and 12mm, so not a good response to the Menopur.

They have decided that they want me to keep stimming until Monday, (on the same dose) then back for a scan again, hoping that some of the follies will catch up, and I may lose the lead folly. They would rather I had a few catch up and lose one, than only go in for the one and lose 14 others.

I haven't coped with this news very well, although I was expecting something to go wrong. I keep trying to convince myself that maybe this was my problem naturally, yes I was ovulating, but maybe my eggs were just not mature enough?? At least they are keeping an eye on it and helping it along with medication, but I am so scared they will cancel my cycle on Monday.

I had pain yesterday morning around my left ovary, and she said this was due to the lead folly, so I expect I should be feeling that sort of pain all round when the follies are big enough, but I'm just not feeling anything, except the occasional twinge.

I have been put on complete bed rest, luckily Bongo is off for 2 weeks now, but it's really hard! Even though I am a lazy cow, knowing I can't actually get up and do anything is doing my head in already!!

I feel very swollen and full up today. I feel as if I have been kicked in the stomach by a horse. But it's all good, it means the Menopur has worked, right? I hope so, scan time in 21 hours! I still cannot believe how quickly this has come around. Fingers crossed for one more Menopur tomorrow night (and tonight) and then Trigger (Ovitelle) on Saturday for Egg Collection on Monday morning.

I had a nightmare drawing the injection last night, by the time I had emptied one vial and drawn some from a new one, the needle had bent and was blunt, so I had to restart all over again! Luckily the injection wasn't too bad, I have learned that I just really have to stab - hard - to get it in now. It's also quite stingy toward the end of the injection, which I have read is pretty normal for Menopur.

On another note - I got a Halti head collar for Sophie the mutt and we had a lovely walk this morning, she's much better behaved!!
But I have realised where the problem has come from. I am 4ft 9ins and approx 7 stone. Bongo is nearly 6ft and 20 odd stone of muscle, so when she pulls him, she's not really pulling, but when she pulls me using the same power, I am literally taken off my feet. It's not actually her being naughty. So I am using the Halti until she learns who she's walking with, and Bongo really needs to teach her some manners when he's walking her to make life easier for me.

Bongo has booked the 2 weeks off after the Embryo Transfer  so I don't have to look after the dog, but if shes better behaved on the halti, I can cope, and he has just been offered some good overtime at his old prison, which is good money, it would be handy for Christmas (or prams!!!)......... not really sure what to say to him. He doesn't want to leave me, bless him. But I'm also not sure that having him here won't drag out the 2WW?

What did I do!??

Well the pets are sending me absolutely bonkers today. The dog so far has eaten a hoodie, ran into my foot mouth open, therefore I have a nice cut to my foot, she then rugby tackled me from behind when I was getting my coat on to take her for a walk, and lets not even start with how naughty she is when I take her out, I am actually getting to the point where I cannot control her! So we are off out to by the pain in the arse a halti head harness tonight. And also yesterday, she decided it would be really fun to run and jump at me as I was standing on the stool in front of the wardrobe and I nearly went flying through the open bedroom window!! I know, she still a puppy and a labrador puppy, but damn, she needs some manners!
The bloody bird won't stop screeeeeching!!! Top of it's lungs, I want attention screech! I have baking to do Tony!! Shut UP!!!

Anyway, I realsied that my nasal spray is starting to run out, so I have just rang the clinic and they said I should have enough and I should be fine until Friday. I cannot believe these days of injections have flown by! 2 more days and I'll know if and when I can trigger and be in for egg collection! Starting to get nervous and excited.

Injections are going well, I'm still having trouble getting the needles in, but Daniel (the diabetic nephew) assures me it's the skin getting tough, even when you move the injection site slightly. I should know this! I do know this, but it's so different when your doing this to yourself and it's your own body and treatment!

I'm less panicky about stuff today, strangley, I would have thought I would be more panicky than usual, seeing as Friday is fast approaching, but I'm calm and just have the opinion of what will be, will be.

OK, I've been a bit naughty/stupid/optimistic/absolute twat.................... I ordered one of Bongo's Christmas presents, and they had a Batman babygrow, I bought it!! What was I thinking!! Why did I do that?? I wonder if I should ring them and cancel?? But, I have that lovely baby hat that Cat knitted for me, so I have already made a start..... one baby grow won't hurt will it???

The Past Few Days

I haven't updated the past couple of days, there's not really much to say IVF wise.

Injections are still going well, my skin seems to be getting tougher already, so I'm actually going to move the injection site further away from my belly button.
I'm getting really really bloated and tender now. Its a different feeling to how it was a few days ago. The last few times I spoke about niggles was like ovulation symptoms on clomid, that sort of pain and niggle, but obviously my body is going way over what clomid does! I does feel very full up down in my tummy, and its not as low as I expected it to be, the ironic thing is, I have what looks like a 16 week baby bump :(..... The general side effects of feeling generally ill and sick I'm coping OK with, feeling like I'm getting flu, headaches, sickness, being stupidly hungry. The hot flushes seem to have calmed down, now I just feel hot some times instead of raging hot flushes, I think this is because its taken a week of reduced synarel. But the way I see it, the more symptoms I'm getting, the more I expect the meds are working. I suppose it's like being pregnant, the more morning sickness, backache etc, the easier and more relaxed about the pregnancy we will become.

The past few days, my worries have changed, I am now worried I am going to ovulate naturally before my trigger shot and egg collection!
All these worries sound really ridiculous, but I want this blog to be totally honest, not just about the physical side of things, but the mental side of things. NOTHING can prepare you for the stupid worries that go on inside your head at the time. Maybe it's just me, because I have never read about these things on any blog or forum before.
But, I've just got to persevere and hope for the best on Friday. I cannot believe that I'm almost finished stimming, the past week has gone really quickly, hope fully, in 6 days (Monday) I will be going in for Egg Collection, then the REAL worries start.

Also, my brain farts are getting out of control, I actually think I have lost the plot, my best one from the past couple of days was a corker and still makes me laugh out loud at myself, even now I am laughing at myself for being such a dumb arse!
So, Bongo made me some Chicken Soup the other night, and I haven't had Chicken Soup for years and years, I started eating it and it was delicious, I looked up at him and said 'this is lovely, I haven't had Chicken Custard for years!'
I have no idea where that came from, poor Bongo didn't know if he should laugh or cry, I think he's scared I'm stuck like this forever!

I would also like to say a big thank you to one of my friends here. She knows who she is, I'm not going to 'out' her. But she went above and beyond the call of friendship the other day, no one has ever done anything so nice for me, I really truly mean that! It is the most unselfish act I have EVER been offered. Maybe I have always picked the wrong friends until now, but I actually think there is something very special about you, and I really love you for that.

Urgh!

Dodgy needle?..... Tough skin?...... Too impatient?....... Too cocky?

I videoed last nights injection for you, but the first time I went to put the needle in, it just wouldn't go in! You can see I had to do it twice! But I got it done in the end!

Last night I was feeling quite bloated and could tell my ovaries were warming up, but today, Nada! I couldn't even bend over to take my socks off last night. I haven't had so much as a niggle today, so I'm starting to worry. If I don't have anymore feelings by tomorrow, I'm ringing the clinic. All the other blogs I have read, the ladies have all had a day3/4 stim ultrasound, I only have mine on day 10 of stims. All clinics are different and this is how my clinic work, but it would just be nice to have some reassurance that the meds are working, so if I need to up my dose, I can do it now, and not in 6 days time. I will just wait and see what tonight's injection brings.

The side effects are not too bad at all, a lot better than I was expecting, but the hot flushes seem to have turned into hot half hours! Poor Bongo woke up this morning for work shivering, because I had the bedroom window wide open as I was so hot during the night, it was that cold, we had frost on the inside of the window, but I was still too hot!

I can't work my damn immune system out! I'm eating really well, drinking plenty of water, no caffeine (well, one coffee when I wake up) taking every vitamin and minerals under the sun, and I still get ill. I have woken up today with earache again! I had this last week when I went for my scan, but put that down to the fact I was trying to strip the colour from my hair and had my head immersed under water for nearly a whole day. But there is no reason to have earache today. And it's that really painful stabbing earache. I have told Bongo when he comes home from work, that I may need to go to the doctors later, but I don't know what that will achieve, I don't want to take antibiotics and I don't want to take painkillers, I did give in about an hour ago and took some co-codamol, and the old fashioned olive oil in the ear trick, I'm not sure which one has helped it calm down, but it's not as bad as it was.

I have also had to make the painful decision to take a step back from certain friendships for a while. Too much drama in their lives and not enough support for me. I constantly find myself running around after people, doing them favours, staying up late to talk them through the latest crap and not even so much as a 'how are you feeling'  for me. When I do try and talk about me, it seems something comes up and they have to get off the phone, or I am just called emotional and hormonal and to fix up. I'm not even asked how my treatment is going. I'm supposed to be resting and I get lumbered with their crap. Then I get upset and pissed off, which is no good, and I don't want to end up wondering in the future if it was the stress that they put me under that made my cycle fail??
I know, I know, that seems very selfish and a nasty thing to say, but that's how my mind is set right now. I need absolutely NO STRESS, and if that's how it has to be. I have always put other people first, I will give someone the shirt off my back and the last penny in my purse, no matter how badly I needed it myself. I will get out of bed and go running at 4am if someone needs me to, and sometimes I have almost ruined my relationship with Bongo by being such a nice person to other people, I have taken him for granted over the years. I have also put my own dramas aside and dealt with others first. When I have had dramas or been upset and asked for support from my 'friend' I am fobbed off and made to feel that my problems are insignificant and that I'm being stupid.
But this time, it is about ME, I am going to be selfish and put myself first. I only need support and to be selfish for a couple of weeks, that's all, and maybe, hopefully the next 9 months, or the fallout of getting a bfn, but is that too much to ask?? I feel very let down and disappointed by these recent events, and I know how my true friends are from this experience.

I'm also really stuck on the idea that no eggs will fertilise, I spoke to a friend about this the other night (thank you C) and she really did calm me down, and had the idea to call the clinic and see if we can pay the extra to have ICSI instead of conventional IVF, but I don't know if I will be able to get he money together and I feel a bit silly even thinking this, they are the experts, they would have suggested ICSI if I needed it wouldn't they?? If I end up ringing the clinic tomorrow, I will discuss this with the nurse. I just cannot get past this.I just have this awful feeling that none will fertilise for what ever reason, maybe my eggs are crap, maybe we just are not compatible, maybe I won't even get any eggs? Why am I stuck here? I don't want to be in this place, I want to enjoy this experience and be grateful for evrything that I have been given a chance for! But, I know I only have this one chance, there won't be round two and we can try ICSI. I need to get past this. And this is why I need real friends around me now, and it's my online friends who have every reason to shy away from me during this journey that have stepped up and been real friends and real support. But I suppose the person who has 3 kids all concieved naturally with no problems really wouldn't understand.