Mix of Emotions

I can't get my head straight today!!

So I suddenly woke up at 2am and realised I had wished my PUPO stage away, why hadn't I just enjoyed it? This time tomorrow, it will be all over, or maybe not, that little bit of hope was reignited last night.

I started feeling really bloated again last night and had the same 'trapped wind' feeling I had after EC. I also woke up at one point to feel my ovaries screaming back into life, which I started having a panic about. Then even more stupidly of me, I consulted Dr Google, who informed me HCG will cause the same 'symptoms' of OHSS or how I felt around the time of EC. If you get pregnant after IVF there is a chance the HCG will bring your symptoms back. Nice one dipshit, get a bit of hope, only to crash and burn again tomorrow.

I woke AGAIN, at 6.15am to go and have a wee, sat up too quickly and almost puked over the cat. Still feel nauseous now, and a little bit light headed, but putting that down to a random nights sleep and the pessaries.

The dreams were back. Only this time, twice I dreamt that I had my BFP. Once I was in the car with my mum and I kept having a go at her for not being too excited!! Now, I know my mum is not one to show her feelings, ever, but she has done during this cycle of IVF, so I don't know what that was about.
The other dream was a BFP dream as well and I stuck the test on the inside of my kitchen cupboard along with my medication schedule!
I have no idea what these dreams mean. I sometimes do have BFP dreams, so I'm not reading too much into it.
And I keep dreaming of alcohol, yesterday it was about drinking a bottle of Jack, and last night was about the Deperado's I have in the fridge and I dreamt they had passed their sell by date!!

I didn't realise this last 24 hours would be so emotionally draining, and where this little 1% of hope has suddenly come from, I have no idea.

I have a lot of guilt as well, and this is going to sound odd. But I haven't 'bonded' with the embryo. I haven't rubbed my belly loads and coached it along. And I think if I don't get my BFP, it's because I didn't show it enough love while I had it.

I'm still tempted to go and get a FRER today, as Bongo has work tomorrow and I have to get up at 6.15 to do the test before he goes to work and I'm worried about how he will cope if it's BFN. If I do it today, we have today to deal with the emotions.
I'm just not sure.

I'm off to go back to bed for a while, as I really do feel icky and light headed.........

I need to brush my teeth but can't stop heaving, I feel like stig of the dump.