8dp5dt

Patience has never been a strong point of mine............

I am itching to test, just to get it over with, but on the other hand, I want to enjoy my last 3 days of being PUPO, but I'm not really enjoying it, just worrying.

I did not sleep at all well last night, just worry worry worry. Instead of having thoughts on how to tell people it BFP. I am planning my speech and texts on how to say its BFN without completely loosing it.
I know you want to tell me off for this, but the way I see it is, if I think negative and it is BFN, I have nothing to lose, but if it's BFP then I have a lovely happy surprise.

I shouldn't look into symptoms, but I really can't help it. They come and go and it's confusing and upsetting.

Yesterday and the day before, I had quite bad AF pains, and felt quite wet downstairs, I always have this days before AF is due on a natural cycle, so obviously I'm thinking the worst, and also my (.)(.) keep changing if they hurt or not, and again, this is a sign during a natural cycle that AF will arrive.
BUT, I'm not doing a natural cycle, am I? And all these symptoms are down the the Cyclogest, but I expect my symptoms to be pretty consistent seeing as I am taking the same dose everyday, But, no, its just another headfuck!
Today I have woken up and feel really nauseous, again, the top side effect of the Cyclogest!

My every waking thought is to do with testing and symptoms now, and I'm pissing myself off. I just cannot stop!
I even sat down to watch the Harry Potter movies yesterday and I found my thoughts drifting, pausing the TV and googling something on my phone or iPad!!

I am grumpy as hell as well. Not with Bongo weirdly though, he is the first person normally to get hit with both barrels, but not recently. He has just been on the receiving end of my bitching about whoever has pissed me off that day.
I made a point of posting on my FB, this is what I wrote:
 "Would like to thank everyone who has shown their support to Bongo and I recently, I know you all want to hear good news.
But I really need just this week with Bongo and Charlie, so I am deactivating my account for a while as of tomorrow.
As soon as I feel able to, you will have an update
Again, thank you for your support. Xxx"

So, how many people do you think then PM'd me asking for an update??? Is everyone a bit thick??

 
 My ex husband is getting too 'husbandy' again, thinking he can tell me how to raise Charlie, what I can and can't do as a mother, how I must punish Charlie for being naughty at school (may I point out,  in court, that fucknut told them I wasn't capable of dealing with Charlies schooling and he must have him during the week so that his schooling is dealt with properly and responsibly as I was incapable of this, he has also blocked the schools from ever giving me details about Charlies schooling, his nativities, plays, assemblies, school reports etc etc, until I took in the court order to the school to prove he does not have 'sole custody' or any sort of 'custody', we have joint residency) So in my eyes, if he's naughty at school and you have blocked me from being a proper mother and dealing with his schooling, why should I back you up now???

I have been highly emotional as well. I went out to see my nephew at his racing school on Sunday. He has been having a really hard time and we had nearly every day of last week him crying on the phone because he wants to come home. When we saw him, he actually looked like he was going to have a breakdown. He looked physically and emotionally fucked. He seemed happy enough to stay and see how he gets on, as I said one day at a time. If I could only take my own advice! But bless him, he was more worried about me!
We also took my dad, who is 63, and I had never noticed it before, but he is getting old. I mean noticeably old, and it has really scared me and upset me. He ordered a coffee but doesn't drink coffee, and we kept having to find little coffee shops to go and sit down so he could take a rest. God, this has really upset me now thinking about it. Dad has always been the butt of our jokes, especially about his 'senior moments' and of course being the family that we are, we put on a brave face and had a laugh and a giggle about it, but my sister and I just kept giving each other knowing looks.
Dad has always been upset that neither my sister or I have ever named one of our children after him. He has a very unusual name, so just a middle name. So I would love to give him that, which I will if I'm lucky enough to have a baby (as it can be changed into a girls name just by adding an E), my sister will never have anymore children, so I really want to give this to my dad, NOW. I feel an urgency after seeing him like that on Sunday.
I am just being over emotional, I know he has many more years left in him.

Well, that was a nice depressing post. Sorry for that, just needed to get that off my chest.

ETA: Just wanted to add, my nephew didn't make it. His bully instructor had one last dig Monday morning, which was the final straw for D, and he came home that evening. As disappointed as I am for him, that this man has ruined the career he so desperately wanted, I am glad that he is home now and can heal physically and emotionally, take stock and reassess where he wants to go from here.