Proven Otherwise.........

Well, what a rough couple of days...

I done my last HPT on Monday morning and it was bfn as expected. So I rang the clinic again and it was suggested to me that I would be receiving a phone call back from them at some point. Well it's now 9pm on Tuesday and I still haven't heard from them. After such amazing treatment and how well I was looked after during my treatment, I feel kind of disappointed and abandoned.
I would like to know where I stand and where we go from here. I know to expect a follow up appointment, but I was expecting at least a phone call to let me know what to expect.

So yesterday was a bad day, after spending £300 getting my car through the MOT and Road Tax and being absolutely skint 3 days after payday, we went to go into town to arrange some money and the damn car broke down, just wouldn't start. Then, just as my mum turned up with the jump leads and us almost killing her car trying to jump start ours (I managed to fix mums thank god! Yes I know more about cars than most men, being the girl racer that I am) we went upstairs to have a cup of tea and a think, and AF turned up just as I walked up the stairs.

Major emotional breakdown ensues...........

I try talking to bongo about how are we going to fix the car? How are we going to afford to fix the car? How are we going to get some money full stop? How is he going to get to work with no car? I can't not get Charlie presents for Christmas.
I am fed up of my parents always having to bail us out financially, I am too tired to ask my mum for financial help and the lectures that goes with me asking to borrow money. My AF has just arrived which is a physical reminder that my body failed, I'm racked with pain, another physical reminder that its MY body that failed. Mr Super Sperm can rest easy at night knowing he's ok. I'm tired of it all going wrong, I want him to deal with it.
I screamed, I shouted, I cried, he tried walking out to walk to town and sort the money out, just when I finally opened up and showed my feelings about how I feel about this failed cycle. Yes, I show it by getting angry, but after all this time together, he should know that's how I show I'm at breaking point, I just needed a cuddle, I needed to let it out and he walked away trying to solve the other problems. In hindsight, bless him, he couldn't have done right. But I followed him and screamed and shouted by the back door and our neighbour who is a total dickhead, called the police on us again!!

Further breakdown commences, bongo managed to convince the police it was someone arguing down the alley at the back of out house. But I just couldn't take anymore. Dark thoughts entered my head, those old feelings of self harm came back, but I managed to push them away. Just really couldn't take anymore and didn't know how to cope.

As I said, I'm tired of asking my parents for money, so I ask bongo to ask his sister (who knows how much my family does for me and knows about my sisters offer to pay for FET) and she refuses to help and tells him it's just material things he wants money for!!! At that point I lose it again, how can she say that?? He needs the car to get to work, to put a roof over our heads and food in our stomachs! Silly me, didn't realise that a job to pay for food and a home isn't a necessity.

On top of that, my so called friend who has been mentioned on here a few times, decided to tell me that the iPhone5 that bongo ordered for me on Saturday was much better than having a baby anyway (says the woman with 4 kids) and then later while another friend is here and she's on the phone to her, asks her to tell me that Kate Middleton is pregnant!!! What goes on in her head?? Why would my so called best mate of 30 years tell me that 2 days after I find out my IVF has failed and the day AF arrives.

Mum and dad turned up later that night and take the battery out of the car to take it away to charge it on the heavy duty battery charger (my dad builds motorbikes) and I spoke to my mum about lending us the money to get the car fixed if we need it, and it makes me feel a bit better.

Today:
A friend has lent us her car, but it was too late to get to my mums to sell the other car which was supposed to be picked up at 8am (seriously need the cash), but we managed to get to mums to get the battery that has been charging and put it back in my car and my car is now working!! Yay, yay, yay!!

We manage to get into town to sort the cash flow situation out, not rich by any means, but we have cash again!

We will be meeting the person picking the car up tomorrow, so again, more cash!

Today is getting better............

Then AF seriously kicks in! I have been in some serious pain, no painkillers are touching it, my hot water bottle is soothing it, but not taking the pain away. I am bleeding really heavy and I have lost a blood clot the size of my palm twice. It's scaring me. We have decided one more loss like that and we will be paying a visit to A&E. and ringing the out of hours doctor at the clinic.

I have such a fear of 'wasting my sisters money' on a FET and it not working as well and I spoke to my mum about this, she said my sister understands the odds and has done her research and by no means is there any pressure on me to get pregnant because my sister is paying. My sister is just giving us another chance.
But my mum has decided to start a 'fund' that we can all put some money into to start saving towards a third FET, all of my friends are on board with this, we will be doing car boots, selling things on eBay and maybe getting our heads together for more ways to save, so any weird and wonderful ideas any of you have would be excellent.
We also agreed that should my first FET be successful and I have a live birth from it, we have agreed that we will be donating the money to someone who also needs/wants a round of IVF.

In other news, I received an email about a prospective job, I spoke to the woman at the agency and she would like to put me forward for the job and if I'm accepted, I can start next week. It's going a bit backwards in my career, back to dentistry, but I just need a job right now, financially to get by month to month, to save for FET and also to keep my busy little mind occupied and stop sitting at home worrying the small stuff, and also to keep my mind off the LTTTC, IVF, FET etc etc