Mix of Emotions

I can't get my head straight today!!

So I suddenly woke up at 2am and realised I had wished my PUPO stage away, why hadn't I just enjoyed it? This time tomorrow, it will be all over, or maybe not, that little bit of hope was reignited last night.

I started feeling really bloated again last night and had the same 'trapped wind' feeling I had after EC. I also woke up at one point to feel my ovaries screaming back into life, which I started having a panic about. Then even more stupidly of me, I consulted Dr Google, who informed me HCG will cause the same 'symptoms' of OHSS or how I felt around the time of EC. If you get pregnant after IVF there is a chance the HCG will bring your symptoms back. Nice one dipshit, get a bit of hope, only to crash and burn again tomorrow.

I woke AGAIN, at 6.15am to go and have a wee, sat up too quickly and almost puked over the cat. Still feel nauseous now, and a little bit light headed, but putting that down to a random nights sleep and the pessaries.

The dreams were back. Only this time, twice I dreamt that I had my BFP. Once I was in the car with my mum and I kept having a go at her for not being too excited!! Now, I know my mum is not one to show her feelings, ever, but she has done during this cycle of IVF, so I don't know what that was about.
The other dream was a BFP dream as well and I stuck the test on the inside of my kitchen cupboard along with my medication schedule!
I have no idea what these dreams mean. I sometimes do have BFP dreams, so I'm not reading too much into it.
And I keep dreaming of alcohol, yesterday it was about drinking a bottle of Jack, and last night was about the Deperado's I have in the fridge and I dreamt they had passed their sell by date!!

I didn't realise this last 24 hours would be so emotionally draining, and where this little 1% of hope has suddenly come from, I have no idea.

I have a lot of guilt as well, and this is going to sound odd. But I haven't 'bonded' with the embryo. I haven't rubbed my belly loads and coached it along. And I think if I don't get my BFP, it's because I didn't show it enough love while I had it.

I'm still tempted to go and get a FRER today, as Bongo has work tomorrow and I have to get up at 6.15 to do the test before he goes to work and I'm worried about how he will cope if it's BFN. If I do it today, we have today to deal with the emotions.
I'm just not sure.

I'm off to go back to bed for a while, as I really do feel icky and light headed.........

I need to brush my teeth but can't stop heaving, I feel like stig of the dump.

9dp5dt

So after my major hissy yesterday, I had a chat with Bongo and told him how I really feel that this hasn't worked. Of course he is disappointed, but he trusts my instincts, and I feel better for getting it off my chest. I feel more at peace with this and less inclined to test today, what will be will be.

I have a funny feeling I won't be making it to Saturdays OTD though, I was woken up at 4am with some serious AF pains and the start of a migraine. I have different AF pains on the lead up to, I have 'cramps' up to 5 days before AF (what I have been having) then the day before and the day off, I have these really deep dragging cramps and feel very wet, which I have had since 4am, so I have a feeling that she could make an appearence before OTD. I keep running to the loo because I think the witch has made an apperance, but maybe the Cyclogest is the only thing actually stopping the bleed. Oh and (.)(.) compleely stopped hurting last night, but for some reason, I'm ok with this and have stopped poking and prodding.

I know when AF turns up, I will be in bits, or if I make it to Saturday, seeing that bfn will break my heart, but I think talking to Bongo last night and preparing myself for it has really helped me come to terms with it. I think my biggest fear is telling Bongo, but I have already prepared him for it, so when it happens, it's not so much of a blow.

I would like to say a big big big thank you to all my girls yesterday for their support and help through that bad day and for always being there. I know how hard it must be for some of you to come here and read this. 

From Bad To Worse

For FUCKS SAKE (Sorry Cat)

Do people have brains inside their heads??

I Literally deactivated my FaceBook 5 mins ago. An old school friend, (not very close, keep in touch, I'll pop round for a coffee maybe once every 3 months, she's a know it all) rang me maybe not even 2 mins after I deactivated it wanting an update!

BOY DID I SNAP!!! I asked her if she was a thick c**t (maybe a bit harsh) but I deactivated my FB for a reason, because I don't want to talk about it, so what goes on in her head to think its OK to ring me and ask me over the phone!!!

And whats made it even worse is, I have realised after loosing it so bad, that this is another sign that AF is imminent. I snap and I scream and shout at someone the day or so before she arrives. Thanks for depressing me even more you fucktard!

Oh and now she has just text me and left a voice mail. Sat here in tears, now knowing because of my mood that it's failed.

Cried on the phone to my mum, I just want to test and get it over and done with. I can't cope with this anymore.

8dp5dt

Patience has never been a strong point of mine............

I am itching to test, just to get it over with, but on the other hand, I want to enjoy my last 3 days of being PUPO, but I'm not really enjoying it, just worrying.

I did not sleep at all well last night, just worry worry worry. Instead of having thoughts on how to tell people it BFP. I am planning my speech and texts on how to say its BFN without completely loosing it.
I know you want to tell me off for this, but the way I see it is, if I think negative and it is BFN, I have nothing to lose, but if it's BFP then I have a lovely happy surprise.

I shouldn't look into symptoms, but I really can't help it. They come and go and it's confusing and upsetting.

Yesterday and the day before, I had quite bad AF pains, and felt quite wet downstairs, I always have this days before AF is due on a natural cycle, so obviously I'm thinking the worst, and also my (.)(.) keep changing if they hurt or not, and again, this is a sign during a natural cycle that AF will arrive.
BUT, I'm not doing a natural cycle, am I? And all these symptoms are down the the Cyclogest, but I expect my symptoms to be pretty consistent seeing as I am taking the same dose everyday, But, no, its just another headfuck!
Today I have woken up and feel really nauseous, again, the top side effect of the Cyclogest!

My every waking thought is to do with testing and symptoms now, and I'm pissing myself off. I just cannot stop!
I even sat down to watch the Harry Potter movies yesterday and I found my thoughts drifting, pausing the TV and googling something on my phone or iPad!!

I am grumpy as hell as well. Not with Bongo weirdly though, he is the first person normally to get hit with both barrels, but not recently. He has just been on the receiving end of my bitching about whoever has pissed me off that day.
I made a point of posting on my FB, this is what I wrote:
 "Would like to thank everyone who has shown their support to Bongo and I recently, I know you all want to hear good news.
But I really need just this week with Bongo and Charlie, so I am deactivating my account for a while as of tomorrow.
As soon as I feel able to, you will have an update
Again, thank you for your support. Xxx"

So, how many people do you think then PM'd me asking for an update??? Is everyone a bit thick??

 
 My ex husband is getting too 'husbandy' again, thinking he can tell me how to raise Charlie, what I can and can't do as a mother, how I must punish Charlie for being naughty at school (may I point out,  in court, that fucknut told them I wasn't capable of dealing with Charlies schooling and he must have him during the week so that his schooling is dealt with properly and responsibly as I was incapable of this, he has also blocked the schools from ever giving me details about Charlies schooling, his nativities, plays, assemblies, school reports etc etc, until I took in the court order to the school to prove he does not have 'sole custody' or any sort of 'custody', we have joint residency) So in my eyes, if he's naughty at school and you have blocked me from being a proper mother and dealing with his schooling, why should I back you up now???

I have been highly emotional as well. I went out to see my nephew at his racing school on Sunday. He has been having a really hard time and we had nearly every day of last week him crying on the phone because he wants to come home. When we saw him, he actually looked like he was going to have a breakdown. He looked physically and emotionally fucked. He seemed happy enough to stay and see how he gets on, as I said one day at a time. If I could only take my own advice! But bless him, he was more worried about me!
We also took my dad, who is 63, and I had never noticed it before, but he is getting old. I mean noticeably old, and it has really scared me and upset me. He ordered a coffee but doesn't drink coffee, and we kept having to find little coffee shops to go and sit down so he could take a rest. God, this has really upset me now thinking about it. Dad has always been the butt of our jokes, especially about his 'senior moments' and of course being the family that we are, we put on a brave face and had a laugh and a giggle about it, but my sister and I just kept giving each other knowing looks.
Dad has always been upset that neither my sister or I have ever named one of our children after him. He has a very unusual name, so just a middle name. So I would love to give him that, which I will if I'm lucky enough to have a baby (as it can be changed into a girls name just by adding an E), my sister will never have anymore children, so I really want to give this to my dad, NOW. I feel an urgency after seeing him like that on Sunday.
I am just being over emotional, I know he has many more years left in him.

Well, that was a nice depressing post. Sorry for that, just needed to get that off my chest.

ETA: Just wanted to add, my nephew didn't make it. His bully instructor had one last dig Monday morning, which was the final straw for D, and he came home that evening. As disappointed as I am for him, that this man has ruined the career he so desperately wanted, I am glad that he is home now and can heal physically and emotionally, take stock and reassess where he wants to go from here.

6dp5dt

So, I am six days past a five day transfer....6dp5dt

I don't really have a lot to report really, emotionally, my feelings are very up and down, Saturday was a very bad day and just felt so negative and sat and discussed with Bongo and Charlie how stupid I will feel that my body has failed if I get a BFN, but I will feel even more stupid for actually believing that I would possibly get my BFP. I know my LTTTCers will know exactly what I mean there!

Physically has been on and off as well, I am having the usual tiredness, nausea and sore boobs, but this is down to the Cygolest (progesterone pessaries) so I know not to look into that.
After the transfer for a few days when I went to toilet, I would have a sharp pain around my laft ovary area, but as the nurse said, my ovaries are still pretty swollen, so it must be that.

I am having really bad, vivid nightmares, every night I am waking up shivering or crying. The nightmares are not even really to do with myself, they can be really random, but still very upsetting.
I'm not even going to try and anylise them.

I'm also feeling a lot of pressure from RL friends who keep messaging me everyday on FB asking how things are going. I have explained time and time again, that I wont know anything until the 1st December, so there's no point asking me everyday. It feels like I am public property at the moment and I actually think it's really rude! I understand they care and they want to hear good news, but don't they also think about how I will feel having to tell them I am not pregnant? It's putting a lot of pressure on myself to have good news to tell them as well, which seems ridiculous! My body, my journey, it's a private thing.
So, as of Friday morning, I will be deactivating my Facebook temporarily so people cannot contact me, if and when I feel ready, I will update here.

So here's what should be happening inside me right now, and of course the urge to POAS is incredible! But I only have one test and I am not buying anymore, so I will just have to wait it out!

6dp5dt:   Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) starts to enter the blood stream

And silly me reading through some forums and some ladies have their BFP on 5dp5dt, which was yesterday...........

Transfer

What a drama!

Let me start off by telling you, that as a child I had a constant bladder infection and I was in and out of hospital for almost 3 years so I now have an irritable bladder and I have panic attacks as soon as I feel the need to go to toilet. I knew this was going to become a problem, and I have always managed to have scans and the mock transfer without having a full bladder so I hoped that I would be able to get through the 10 min transfer without too much of a problem.

We went in to the transfer room, and thankfully, I had Nikki there to do the transfer and I did explain about my irritable bladder and she was great.

The embryologist came into the room and said we have 4 top grade day 5 blastocyst embryos, two hadn't quite caught up so they were going to culture them over night and two hadn't made it. They said they would only transfer one as they were such great quality and freeze the other 3 today, culture the other two overnight then freeze them in the morning. With the grade of the embryo they were transferring, I had a 60% pregnancy rate.
There were 3 nurses and the embryologist in the room at the time and they all said that it was an excellent result to have 5 top grade frosties.

Then we get down to business, legs up in stirrups, bits hanging out and we are ready to go! I started having a panic about my bladder as soon as they put the ultrasound wand on my stomach, but kept talking myself down saying that it was only 10 mins. We were watching on the screen and I could see they couldn't get the catheter in, it was going at some weird angles and they just kept hitting a dead end, we were probably trying about 25 mins then I started panicking, crying, felt sick, so they decided it was best for them and for me to have a rest and come back, they let me go to toilet and said maybe an empty bladder would change my anatomy slightly and may make it a bit easier.
So we went into the waiting room where my bestie was sat waiting for us and I burst into tears again and said I felt so stupid, she managed to calm me down and I felt a bit better. Nikki came out and I cried again and she was telling me to stop worrying, it wasn't my fault, I have a S shaped cervix, which is more like a two Zs put together as all the angles are 90 degrees, so its that that's making it difficult, not me. She was so good with me, calmed me down, made jokes and explained that the last woman they had in who had this problem it had taken them 1 and a half hours, but she had rung that morning to tell them she had her BFP. She also asked if I had had an HSG at some point as they seem to think there is some damage to my cervix and that a 'fake channel' had been formed and that's where the catheter kept going. And also my ovaries were still quite swollen so that was probably having an impact as well.

So back in to try again, and Nikki had to go and see another patient, so they decided that another nurse would give it a go, I had an empty bladder this time, so they could try a bit longer and I was less stressed out and more comfortable ( as comfortable as you can be when someones ramming a catheter into your cervix) but they still couldn't get it in, they were probably trying for an hour, you could see them and hear them all talking to each other, and asking where and what they should do from here? They were starting to get a bit worried, they called the embryologist in who gave them a different kind of catheter to use, but they still couldn't get it past that one point.
We over heard a conversation about possibly sedating me tomorrow and doing it that way, and that really upset to think I had to wait another day, so they sent us back into he waiting room so they could discuss their options and try and find the head doctor so he could come and have a go.
At this point the worst of my worries were that I would have to come back the next day...........

So off they pop to get the head doctor (another lovely man) he took us into the room and explained if he could not get the catheter in, they will be freezing all my embies, doing surgery on my cervix and then have a FET in future. Well for more than one reason, we obviously didn't want that to happen.
The doctor left the room so I could get undressed AGAIN, and this time, I took my lucky socks off, they hadn't done me such fucking good so far today, and they had me in a different room which was the opposite way round to the room I had been in and Bongo said that was probably a good thing as well!!
So the doctor comes in and in my head I'm just thinking 'I don't care what you do and how rough you are, just get that damn catheter in' and luckily within about 10/15 mins, lots of pain, prodding, pulling and stabbing, you suddenly heard the sonographer at first very quietly say 'I think it's in' then louder 'yep, it definitely in' and a collective sigh of relief through the whole of the staff, I turned to look at Bongo and bless him, he had burst into tears, I couldn't really do a lot, except let a little sob out, as I had my legs in stirrups, my lady parts clamped open with a speculum and a catheter though my cervix, I couldn't get up and give him a hug and I couldn't look at him, because I just needed to get through this without breaking down again,.

The embryologist came in and done the usual name and DOB checks on my embryos and then went off and loaded the new catheter with the embryo and bought it back. This whole time, they had kept the ultrasound on me and we were allowed to watch as they put the embryo into my uterus, then they paused the screen so we could see, and then the nurse printed us off a picture and said we could keep it as I had been through so much trauma, they don't usually do that for patients.

The little white blob is the embryo in fluid inside my uterus, it isn't very clear as I had an empty bladder.

Everyone including all the staff was so relieved, then we were given information and fact sheets and a pregnancy tests and told to keep taking the pessaries that I can now take vaginally (whoohooo) and told to test on the 1st December. I was officially told I am PUPO and I am to act as if I am 100% pregnant.

I do believe that because it was a male doctor doing it, he was probably a lot more forceful and rougher , the ladies were maybe being a bit more gentle as they are more sympathetic to how it feels, I just had a good feeling when they said it was a male doctor, as I had a feeling he would make sure it happened come hell or high water as he didn't fully comprehend the pain!! 

So finally we have an embryo which we have named PEA, as Bongo and my best friend were with me and they are known as 'two peas on a pod'. It feels weird to know that I have a 'baby' in me, but I don't physically feel any different.

I have found a brilliant website that tells you what happens everyday with the embryo until test date, I'm not sure if that's such a wise idea though!!

http://www.nyufertilitycenter.org/ivf/embryo_transfer

And also this morning, I managed to have my first BM since Thursday!! I was so scared to go though, I was scared I was going to push the embryo out, but seeing as I have the most retarded cervix (as my mate now calls it) I don't think anything is going to come out of there though!

I do now wonder if that is why I couldn't get pregnant naturally, his swimmers would have needed an A-Z, a SatNav and a survival pack to have made that journey through my cervix. They didn't exactly say that at the clinic because obviously they didn't want to give me a definite diagnosis there and then, but I think thats what they were thinking.

So now just to count down the days until the 1st December, this is going to be the longest 10 days ever!

oh and by the time we left, 3 hours later, the slower two of the embryos that they wanted to culture overnight had caught up and were ready for freezing along with the others!

This time tomorrow....

So, this time tomorrow, as long as all goes according to plan, I will be 8 hours PUPO!

And thank God, I only have to do one more pessary rectally, tomorrow nights I can do vaginally, thats cause for celebration in itself!
Talking of the pessaries, I left one out on my bedside table ready for last nights, went into the front room to grab something quickly, came back and it was gone, nowhere to be seen. I hunted high and low for my little wax bullet and guess what? Sophie had eaten it and left just the wrapper in my bed under my pillow!! How on earth she managed to unwrap the thing and eat it is beyond me, but nothing that dog does surprises me anymore!!

The BIG conversation came up tonight. I know NHS guidelines dictate that only 1 embryo can be put back, but the final decision is up to the clinic. We read through the paperwork tonight and it does say that we still need to have made this decision, well between us, we can't decide, there is so many factors to take into consideration, in a way, I kind of hope that decision is taken out of our hands tomorrow. I'm swayed 85% that I would like 2, but the reality of a multiple pregancy for me is very high risk, so I have that bit of doubt.

Instead of me sitting here writing out the facts and statistics, I have added the fact sheet we got from the clinic, I hope it legible and makes more sense than I would!!

Embies Day3

Had my phone call from the clinic today to tell me if I should go in today for a 3DT or Tuesday for  a 5DT.

All embies are doing really well, so we are booked in for a 5 day Blastocyst Transfer on Tuesday at 12.30pm and hopefully we will have some frosties as well.

Now the pressure is really on for them to implant, and I am so scared because of my endo that the scarring from the adhesions and all the surgery over the years will affect the implantation.

Physically, I'm still suffering, but not as bad, I just have bouts of unbearable pain, but I can cope, I cooked a roast for the family today and started to get pains half way through, I also nearly managed to severe my thumb when chopping the swede, so it probably wasn't my wisest move.
Oh and I haven't been for a BM since I had the shits on Thursday, I don't even feel the need to go, so I wouldn't call it constipated, and I have been eating like a horse for the past few days, so I don't know where all this food is going? I know I need to go, but I just don't need to! I know the bloating will feel tons better when I do finally go!  I also suspect the pessaries are playing a part in this and are clogging me up somewhat, as they explained that I cannot take them vaginally until after the transfer as the wax in the pessary will clog up around the cervix and make it hard to get through the cervix for transfer, so I imagine this is the same for the back as well.

Also the conversation of what to do if we have 7 frosties has come up, of course we won't have 7 babies, and even if my IVF fails and I have other tries, I certainly won't be trying 7 times, or will I?
If my IVF fails, will I donate them? But how would I cope knowing someone out there has 100% mine and Bongo's baby and I don't??

So much to think about...........

Feeling a bit better

I'm still quite sore and tender, but not half as bad as I was, just feeling very sorry for myself and getting cabin fever!
I'm still sleeping sitting up, to help with draining any fluid and I think it's working, the pains in my upper abdomen and shoulder are almost gone (except for when I eat, as you can magine, my tummy being full with an abdomen full of fluid makes for very uncomfortable KK) and I am going for a wee loads, so it's obvious my kidneys are working properly to rid me off all the excess fluid! Go kidneys!

Just been to the loo and am still spotting slightly, but as far as I know, thats completely normal, it has only been 48 hours since EC.

Bongo is back at work today and I was having a bit of a panic about being on my own after being in so much pain, but Charlie is being an absolute star! He came and woke me up this morning, asking if I wanted a cup of tea and a packet of crisps for breakfast! He has been taking Sophie out for walks and just being generally a little superstar! I don't know how I would have coped today without him already.

Bongo has just emailed me from work and of course all we can talk about are our 8 embies, and he said the sweetest thing, he hopes they didn't stay up too late and that they are all looking after each other!!

It is the weirdest feeling knowing my embies are 35 miles away and someone else is looking after them and not me. A very strange reality.

I hope they are like their mummy and daddy and fighting with all their might.

Just waiting for tomorrow mornings phone call to see how they are getting on, I'm under no illusions that all eight will have made it. But we will just have to wait and see what tomorrow brings.

Please litlle baby BonKKs, make it till Tuesday, so we have the best chance!!

Mummy, Daddy and big Brother ChaCha love you loads

Any Embryos?

So after the worse nights sleep ever and possibly the worse pain I have ever been in, I still cannot walk and I have hunched over like an old lady I woke up at 9am to use my progesterone suppository. It wasn't as bad as yesterdays pain killing suppository, I think I have found a nack, so as not to push any air up there when I do it.

I am still in a lot of pain, so Bongo went and bought me some wind ease tablets, which has eased it a bit, but my lips are swollen and lumpy, which I get when I am alleric to something, I am falling apart!!!

Waiting for the phone call from the clinic this morning and has got to be the longest wait of my life, but the ended up ringing at 12.15pm.

Out of the 9 eggs they retrieved, 8 have fertilised!!!! YAY!!!

It was explained that they would keep cooking them until Sunday, and I will recieve a call to tell me how they are doing. If I have less than 3 embryos and of lower quality, the will do a three day transfer. But the plan is to cook them until Tuesday to a five day blastocyst transfer, and hopefully if there are more of good quality I can have some frosties as well.

I have been laying either in bed or on the sofa all day and I feel absolutley pants, so I'm going to try and go back to sleep and sleep this pain away and hopefully, I will be better by tomorrow as Bongo is back at work and I will have to fend for myself!! (Charlie has been given his orders to look after me, but I doubt that will go to plan!!)

Egg Retrival

Sorry I didn't update yesterday, the EC took it out of me more than I imagined. You will have to excuse my jumbled post for today, I'm still in a fair bit of pain and still a bit groggy from the sedation, I hope this makes some sense!

Again, I am going to sing the praises of my clinic, I cannot thank them enough for the care given.
I am the first to admit, I am not their usual class of private patient, being the biker looking chav with pink shaved hair and covered in tattoos, but they are all so down to earth and ready for a laugh and a chat, they really really put me at ease.

As some of you know, I have had a bit of a dodgy tummy for about a week now on and off, but it had seemed ok for the day or so before. Well, I had to use that damn rectal suppository before I left for the clinic, it was horrible! I felt like I needed a poo, it gave me the really bad stomach ache, I couldn't even have  fart because I probably would have had someones eye out if I had trumped, it would have shot out loikea bullet! I'm not sure if it was the dicky tummy I have had, or just the fact that I had to ram something resembling a bullet up my poop shoot. I was in pain for the whole hours journey there.

Within 10 mins of being there, they had me in the gown and had been talked through the procedure and signed the consent. But it didn't feel rushed. Bongo decided it would be a good idea to take pictures of me looking oh so sexy in my gown, and thats when we realised just how bloated I was, I actually look pregnant.

Then I'm off to theatre!

I walked into the room, and everyone was so friendly, you would never have thought what was just about to happen was about to happen! The anaesthatist was a lovely man, telling me he had never come across and husband who's name was Bongo before! We got talking about how Bongo got his nickname.

The stirrups on the operating table were very different to what I was expecting (what a weird thought) they were actually like the airboot I had when I ruptured my achilles tendon.

Then I was telling the anaethatist to make me nice and sleepy, and as he was putting the venflon in, the nurse opened up a picture on the wall and a man poked his head through so I could confirm my name and DOB with the lab!! (No, this wasn't a dream after I had been sedated, this really did happen!)

Next thing I know, I am being woken up and its all over and done with! I chatted the ususal bollocks with the man in recovery, but what a lovely man he was, and he chatted bollocks back to me!

As soon as I was put back in the room with Bongo, I obviously had to text my girls

I was given a hot chocolate, some biscuits and told as soon as the embryologist has been and spoken to me, and I have had a wee, I can go home.

The embryologist comes in and tells me I had 9 eggs, but they wont know much mor about quality and maturity until they start fertilisation, they also said Bongos SA was good (no surprise there) and we would get a phone call tomorrow morning before 12pm to let us know if and how many eggs have fertilised.

I was given my instructions on the pessaries and told to go home and rest. I have to take the pessaries rectally until the ET because the wax in the pessaries can clog up around the cervix and makeit difficult for the transfer.

So I got home and fell asleep on Charlies bed straight away, and then woke up in agony. I feel as though I have the worst trapped wind in my stomach and chest. I don't have any other symptoms of OHSS so I'm not worried.

The pain got worse and worse all night, and when I had a small dinner (indian, probably not my best idea) it just made it ten times worse. I actually do not believe I have ever been in so much pain. Then of course the diahroah started!! I actually do not think I could have felt any worse. I have the biggest sympathy for any woman who suffers with OHSS, as mine wasn't quite OHSS and I felt so ill.

You are not warned about these things!

Anyway, I had to sleep sitting up, so that any fluid in my abdomen and chest could drain downwards, and it is possibly the worst nights sleep I have ever had.



Egg Retrival Today.

So, I'm leaving for my EC in an hour!

I was very very bloated, full up and tender last night, I couldn't walk properly and was hunched over because of the pain. So hopefully that was the HCG giving them one last boost!

I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, it finally hit home that I am actually in for my EC today! But when I did fall asleep, I had my very own incubator helping cook my little eggies along for the last stretch.

I'm not sure how I will feel later or even tomorrow, but I hope to be able to update and tell you how many egg were retrieved, and I will get a phone call tomorrow morning to let me know how many, if any, have fertilised.

Getting very nervous now, but I had better be off to have a bath and try and make myself look half beautiful without having any make up on!

Uncomfortable and Miserable

So within hours of me doing the HCG trigger last night, I became very uncomfortable and miserable.
Now the trigger is doing the final maturation of the follies, I can really feel it now!

I feel so full up inside, and I'm getting quite bad twinges in my ovaries, I feel a pressure low down in my abdomen which is making me very uncomfortable.
I was up all night tossing and turning because I just could not get comfortable, and I have been much the same today. I'm getting really miserable now.

I have also had the two bob bits today which hasn't helped.

Bongo and I have just cleaned the house from top to bottom in preperation for me beng a bloated miserable uncomfortable (even worse then today) bitch when I come home from the EC tomorrow, but I expect Sophie will have trashed the house before we get home anyway, so we have probably wasted our time.

00.30am Trigger

It's 00.30am on Wednesday and I have just done my final shot, the HCG Trigger (Ovitelle)

I didn't even feel it go in, no stinging or pain whatsoever.

I'm kind of sad that it's my last and final injection, I shall miss my nightly routine.

Now it's count down, 37 hours and counting until EC

Mondays Date with the Dildo Cam

So I went back to the clinic yesterday for the follow up scan to see if any of the follies had grown over the weekend, I was really expecting the cycle to be cancelled. I hadn't really felt much difference over the weekend, only bad backache like AF pains.

I wasn't told how many I had, but from what I could see, possibly 5 are OK, and I have a big one on my ovary matching the lead folly on the left, so it seems the weekend of stimming has really helped. B/W was also taken to check my estrodial levels and if all was OK with that I would be booked in for Wednesday or Thursday for EC. I would receive a phone call from the clinic in the afternoon to tell me the situation.
At this point I would also like to say that I had the most amazing and down to earth nurse I have ever seen there, so this is my thank you to Nikki!

At 5pm, I get my phone call and here are my instructions!

Last night (Monday) I had to stimm with 150IU and carry on sniffing.
I am to carry on sniffing today and take my trigger shot at 00.30am tonight/tomorrow morning
Then I am in for EC on Thursday at 13.30pm, I have to take the voltarol suppository rectally before leaving for the clinic! Oh the JOYS!!

Exciting times!!

The injection last night was a bit different, because I was given two vials of 75IU that I had to mix together, instead of just drawing 150IU from a 600IU vial, I had a little panic, but think I done OK, it's so strange when your doing it yourself for yourself!


Now that one stage is over, I am on to worrying about the quality and quantity of the eggs and back to the old, will they fertilise!
As soon as you are past one stage, you can't help but worry about the next.

I shall video me doing my trigger tonight, it's very different to the injections I was doing, it's in a prefilled pen, which seems to be a lot easier, but knowing my luck, I'll make it into a drama!

Oh, and my bbs are KILLING me, I have never had such sore, tender bbs ever!! The nipples started being sore and tender Saturday night, then slowly they have got more and more tender, today, I cannot even wear a bra, my whole bbs hurt so bad. I just cannot wait until I start taking the progesterone suppositories on top of that!! << Sarcastic font!!

Date Didn't Go So Well..

Yesterdays date didn't go so well. (Even though I wore watching underwear to my surroundings, the dildo cam just didn't appreciate it)

So, they like a lining of between 7-9mm and follicles to be 18mm.
I had an AFC of 17 at the beginning of this cycle, I wasn't expecting all of them to grow, but some at least)

My lining is at 8.7mm, so a perfect lining.
Then we get to my follies, I have 8 on my right ovary and 7 on my left, not a bad number, but their sizes are crap. I have a lead folly at 17mm on my left, but all the rest are at 8 ,9, 10 and 12mm, so not a good response to the Menopur.

They have decided that they want me to keep stimming until Monday, (on the same dose) then back for a scan again, hoping that some of the follies will catch up, and I may lose the lead folly. They would rather I had a few catch up and lose one, than only go in for the one and lose 14 others.

I haven't coped with this news very well, although I was expecting something to go wrong. I keep trying to convince myself that maybe this was my problem naturally, yes I was ovulating, but maybe my eggs were just not mature enough?? At least they are keeping an eye on it and helping it along with medication, but I am so scared they will cancel my cycle on Monday.

I had pain yesterday morning around my left ovary, and she said this was due to the lead folly, so I expect I should be feeling that sort of pain all round when the follies are big enough, but I'm just not feeling anything, except the occasional twinge.

I have been put on complete bed rest, luckily Bongo is off for 2 weeks now, but it's really hard! Even though I am a lazy cow, knowing I can't actually get up and do anything is doing my head in already!!

I feel very swollen and full up today. I feel as if I have been kicked in the stomach by a horse. But it's all good, it means the Menopur has worked, right? I hope so, scan time in 21 hours! I still cannot believe how quickly this has come around. Fingers crossed for one more Menopur tomorrow night (and tonight) and then Trigger (Ovitelle) on Saturday for Egg Collection on Monday morning.

I had a nightmare drawing the injection last night, by the time I had emptied one vial and drawn some from a new one, the needle had bent and was blunt, so I had to restart all over again! Luckily the injection wasn't too bad, I have learned that I just really have to stab - hard - to get it in now. It's also quite stingy toward the end of the injection, which I have read is pretty normal for Menopur.

On another note - I got a Halti head collar for Sophie the mutt and we had a lovely walk this morning, she's much better behaved!!
But I have realised where the problem has come from. I am 4ft 9ins and approx 7 stone. Bongo is nearly 6ft and 20 odd stone of muscle, so when she pulls him, she's not really pulling, but when she pulls me using the same power, I am literally taken off my feet. It's not actually her being naughty. So I am using the Halti until she learns who she's walking with, and Bongo really needs to teach her some manners when he's walking her to make life easier for me.

Bongo has booked the 2 weeks off after the Embryo Transfer  so I don't have to look after the dog, but if shes better behaved on the halti, I can cope, and he has just been offered some good overtime at his old prison, which is good money, it would be handy for Christmas (or prams!!!)......... not really sure what to say to him. He doesn't want to leave me, bless him. But I'm also not sure that having him here won't drag out the 2WW?

What did I do!??

Well the pets are sending me absolutely bonkers today. The dog so far has eaten a hoodie, ran into my foot mouth open, therefore I have a nice cut to my foot, she then rugby tackled me from behind when I was getting my coat on to take her for a walk, and lets not even start with how naughty she is when I take her out, I am actually getting to the point where I cannot control her! So we are off out to by the pain in the arse a halti head harness tonight. And also yesterday, she decided it would be really fun to run and jump at me as I was standing on the stool in front of the wardrobe and I nearly went flying through the open bedroom window!! I know, she still a puppy and a labrador puppy, but damn, she needs some manners!
The bloody bird won't stop screeeeeching!!! Top of it's lungs, I want attention screech! I have baking to do Tony!! Shut UP!!!

Anyway, I realsied that my nasal spray is starting to run out, so I have just rang the clinic and they said I should have enough and I should be fine until Friday. I cannot believe these days of injections have flown by! 2 more days and I'll know if and when I can trigger and be in for egg collection! Starting to get nervous and excited.

Injections are going well, I'm still having trouble getting the needles in, but Daniel (the diabetic nephew) assures me it's the skin getting tough, even when you move the injection site slightly. I should know this! I do know this, but it's so different when your doing this to yourself and it's your own body and treatment!

I'm less panicky about stuff today, strangley, I would have thought I would be more panicky than usual, seeing as Friday is fast approaching, but I'm calm and just have the opinion of what will be, will be.

OK, I've been a bit naughty/stupid/optimistic/absolute twat.................... I ordered one of Bongo's Christmas presents, and they had a Batman babygrow, I bought it!! What was I thinking!! Why did I do that?? I wonder if I should ring them and cancel?? But, I have that lovely baby hat that Cat knitted for me, so I have already made a start..... one baby grow won't hurt will it???

The Past Few Days

I haven't updated the past couple of days, there's not really much to say IVF wise.

Injections are still going well, my skin seems to be getting tougher already, so I'm actually going to move the injection site further away from my belly button.
I'm getting really really bloated and tender now. Its a different feeling to how it was a few days ago. The last few times I spoke about niggles was like ovulation symptoms on clomid, that sort of pain and niggle, but obviously my body is going way over what clomid does! I does feel very full up down in my tummy, and its not as low as I expected it to be, the ironic thing is, I have what looks like a 16 week baby bump :(..... The general side effects of feeling generally ill and sick I'm coping OK with, feeling like I'm getting flu, headaches, sickness, being stupidly hungry. The hot flushes seem to have calmed down, now I just feel hot some times instead of raging hot flushes, I think this is because its taken a week of reduced synarel. But the way I see it, the more symptoms I'm getting, the more I expect the meds are working. I suppose it's like being pregnant, the more morning sickness, backache etc, the easier and more relaxed about the pregnancy we will become.

The past few days, my worries have changed, I am now worried I am going to ovulate naturally before my trigger shot and egg collection!
All these worries sound really ridiculous, but I want this blog to be totally honest, not just about the physical side of things, but the mental side of things. NOTHING can prepare you for the stupid worries that go on inside your head at the time. Maybe it's just me, because I have never read about these things on any blog or forum before.
But, I've just got to persevere and hope for the best on Friday. I cannot believe that I'm almost finished stimming, the past week has gone really quickly, hope fully, in 6 days (Monday) I will be going in for Egg Collection, then the REAL worries start.

Also, my brain farts are getting out of control, I actually think I have lost the plot, my best one from the past couple of days was a corker and still makes me laugh out loud at myself, even now I am laughing at myself for being such a dumb arse!
So, Bongo made me some Chicken Soup the other night, and I haven't had Chicken Soup for years and years, I started eating it and it was delicious, I looked up at him and said 'this is lovely, I haven't had Chicken Custard for years!'
I have no idea where that came from, poor Bongo didn't know if he should laugh or cry, I think he's scared I'm stuck like this forever!

I would also like to say a big thank you to one of my friends here. She knows who she is, I'm not going to 'out' her. But she went above and beyond the call of friendship the other day, no one has ever done anything so nice for me, I really truly mean that! It is the most unselfish act I have EVER been offered. Maybe I have always picked the wrong friends until now, but I actually think there is something very special about you, and I really love you for that.

Urgh!

Dodgy needle?..... Tough skin?...... Too impatient?....... Too cocky?

I videoed last nights injection for you, but the first time I went to put the needle in, it just wouldn't go in! You can see I had to do it twice! But I got it done in the end!

Last night I was feeling quite bloated and could tell my ovaries were warming up, but today, Nada! I couldn't even bend over to take my socks off last night. I haven't had so much as a niggle today, so I'm starting to worry. If I don't have anymore feelings by tomorrow, I'm ringing the clinic. All the other blogs I have read, the ladies have all had a day3/4 stim ultrasound, I only have mine on day 10 of stims. All clinics are different and this is how my clinic work, but it would just be nice to have some reassurance that the meds are working, so if I need to up my dose, I can do it now, and not in 6 days time. I will just wait and see what tonight's injection brings.

The side effects are not too bad at all, a lot better than I was expecting, but the hot flushes seem to have turned into hot half hours! Poor Bongo woke up this morning for work shivering, because I had the bedroom window wide open as I was so hot during the night, it was that cold, we had frost on the inside of the window, but I was still too hot!

I can't work my damn immune system out! I'm eating really well, drinking plenty of water, no caffeine (well, one coffee when I wake up) taking every vitamin and minerals under the sun, and I still get ill. I have woken up today with earache again! I had this last week when I went for my scan, but put that down to the fact I was trying to strip the colour from my hair and had my head immersed under water for nearly a whole day. But there is no reason to have earache today. And it's that really painful stabbing earache. I have told Bongo when he comes home from work, that I may need to go to the doctors later, but I don't know what that will achieve, I don't want to take antibiotics and I don't want to take painkillers, I did give in about an hour ago and took some co-codamol, and the old fashioned olive oil in the ear trick, I'm not sure which one has helped it calm down, but it's not as bad as it was.

I have also had to make the painful decision to take a step back from certain friendships for a while. Too much drama in their lives and not enough support for me. I constantly find myself running around after people, doing them favours, staying up late to talk them through the latest crap and not even so much as a 'how are you feeling'  for me. When I do try and talk about me, it seems something comes up and they have to get off the phone, or I am just called emotional and hormonal and to fix up. I'm not even asked how my treatment is going. I'm supposed to be resting and I get lumbered with their crap. Then I get upset and pissed off, which is no good, and I don't want to end up wondering in the future if it was the stress that they put me under that made my cycle fail??
I know, I know, that seems very selfish and a nasty thing to say, but that's how my mind is set right now. I need absolutely NO STRESS, and if that's how it has to be. I have always put other people first, I will give someone the shirt off my back and the last penny in my purse, no matter how badly I needed it myself. I will get out of bed and go running at 4am if someone needs me to, and sometimes I have almost ruined my relationship with Bongo by being such a nice person to other people, I have taken him for granted over the years. I have also put my own dramas aside and dealt with others first. When I have had dramas or been upset and asked for support from my 'friend' I am fobbed off and made to feel that my problems are insignificant and that I'm being stupid.
But this time, it is about ME, I am going to be selfish and put myself first. I only need support and to be selfish for a couple of weeks, that's all, and maybe, hopefully the next 9 months, or the fallout of getting a bfn, but is that too much to ask?? I feel very let down and disappointed by these recent events, and I know how my true friends are from this experience.

I'm also really stuck on the idea that no eggs will fertilise, I spoke to a friend about this the other night (thank you C) and she really did calm me down, and had the idea to call the clinic and see if we can pay the extra to have ICSI instead of conventional IVF, but I don't know if I will be able to get he money together and I feel a bit silly even thinking this, they are the experts, they would have suggested ICSI if I needed it wouldn't they?? If I end up ringing the clinic tomorrow, I will discuss this with the nurse. I just cannot get past this.I just have this awful feeling that none will fertilise for what ever reason, maybe my eggs are crap, maybe we just are not compatible, maybe I won't even get any eggs? Why am I stuck here? I don't want to be in this place, I want to enjoy this experience and be grateful for evrything that I have been given a chance for! But, I know I only have this one chance, there won't be round two and we can try ICSI. I need to get past this. And this is why I need real friends around me now, and it's my online friends who have every reason to shy away from me during this journey that have stepped up and been real friends and real support. But I suppose the person who has 3 kids all concieved naturally with no problems really wouldn't understand.

My Aunt Jane Knows More than My RE

I saw this on another fellow IVFers blog today and had to post it!!

Last Nights Injection

Bongo done my injection last night, I don't think he's going to want to do it again, bless him.

Firstly, I had to mix a new vial up as I only had 100IU left in the first, so it was still cold from being stored in the fridge. And I think he pinched the skin a bit too much and squeezed the plunger too slowly trying not to hurt me, but it hurt more!! I was actually flinching when he done it last night. Its not his fault, he's never done it before and it was a combination of things, especially  it being too cold.

I have definite symptoms now, I'm feeling very tender and swollen in my ovary area, it's only day 3, I have another 7 days and if it's like this now, I can't see myself being able to do a lot over the next week or so!
But as I have said before, at least I know it's working!

Had another Bongo moment last night, I told him you could feel my ovaries when you palpitate my abdomen, so he had a go and said 'OH MY GOD.. its really hard'.........bless him, it was my hip!!

Had a few emotional wobbles again last night, luckily, a friend talked me down and made me feel better, so would like to say thank you to her!

Last Night

I couldn't get a video last night and Bongo couldn't do the injection. :(

It all went a bit dramatic...... a friend got herself into a sticky situation and we had a phone call at 20.45 to go and pick her up from the police station! Luckily we managed to get there and back to mine just as my alarm went off to do my injection.

Bongo was making the coffee and I quickly done my injection and nasal spray, but as I had done it in the right side of my belly this time, and I'm right handed and have to pinch the skin with my left, I got a bit stuck and my friend had to press the plunger!

But I promised, Bongo will be do it tonight and I will video it!

I'm feeling it a bit today, you can definitely tell something is going on in there, I can feel every things getting a bit....swollen??.. if that's the right word. And when I needed to go for #2 this morning, it cramped up around my uterus and ovaries (as my endo does when I have AF) it was a kind of, take my breath away, can't actually move until this cramp subsides.

I am stating to get very panicky about this not working now, Walking around the supermarket the other day, I suddenly just turned to Bongo and said, 'what if your sperm and my eggs, just don't like each other?' I am starting to worry.
But other times, I am totally at peace with knowing I HAVE tried everything and given it my all.
I did not realise how emotionally draining this would be, yes, I was expecting the hormones, but not this. I think I was a bit naive to think I had dealt with the emotional side of things before I started treatment.

Ovarian Rude Awakening!

So, I'm trying to guzzle 3 litres of water a day, and I'm struggling! I'm just not used to drinking so much water and my bladder is protesting! The longest I have been without going to toilet is 15 minutes so far!!

Done my first injection last night, and it really wasn't bad at all, just a bit stingy towards the end of the injection and a tender area around the injection site. I woke up this morning and you cannot even see where I done the injection!

I can feel the niggles and twinges in my ovaries already! They are screaming at being woken up so rudely and dramatically! But the way I see it, at least I know the Menopur is starting to work!

Here are the pictures of each step of the injection.

Everything all set up to mix the liquid into the vial

Mixing the liquid into the vial, when the powder has dissolved I'm good to go, so while I'm waiting for that, I done my nasal spray.

Drawing my 225UI Menopur into the injection needle

Doing the injection into the left side of my belly button.

Bongo made me a hot water bottle and we snuggled up on the sofa and watched some NCIS, but I'm not feeling bad at all, I was expecting a lot more side effects, but it's only Day 1 of stimming so who knows what the next 9 days will be like.

My hot flushes seem to have ramped up as well, I suppose it saves on the heating bill!!

Hopefully, Bongo will have the courage to inject me tonight, which I'd like, as I think it will make him closer to the experience and have more of a 'hand' in it!

I'm hoping one or other of us will actually be able to video it tonight