CD17 Post IVF

Well, for some reason, my body seems to be playing nice, a few days off track, but nice.
I started doing the OPKs on CD13, I really wasn't expecting anything from this cycle in all honesty seeing as it's my first post IVF.
I thought I had a very near positive on CD15 during the day, tested again later that evening and it was a definite negative.
I tested again yesterday afternoon and this is what I found -

Ive no idea why they have come out upside down, but control line is on the left, test line is on the right.

I have also been having EWCM, not a lot, but more than I usually do, so I'm wondering if the catheter during my embryo transfer has kind of unclogged (for want of a better word) my cervix so my CM can flow freely!! (ha ha YUK)!!!!

Then of course we had the big discussion last night. Are we actually going to try naturally when I have positive OPKs? Because the plan was to just use them to check my body is functioning properly to do a FET, not for actual TTC reasons.

Bongo said he would like to keep TTC naturally while we wait for the FET, which is fine by me, I also read somewhere that you can naturally be more fertile after IVF, but that's the Internet for you, I have no idea if that's true or not.

We didn't get round to BDing last night as I have been awfully ill. As I kept thinking I was having teeth/gum problems, and I have been on high doses of amoxycillin and metronidazole (which make me ill in themselves) but the antibiotics should have knocked any infection, teeth/gum/whatever on its arse and I am still in absolute agony, I have been given a diagnoses of Trigeminal Neuralgia. Also known as suicide syndrome. I am tired all the time, I have practically been sleeping 18 hours a day the past few days, I don't know if the stress has triggered the condition, which in turn causes more stress itself, it's one big vicious circle.

Here is a link, if anyone is interested -

Trigeminal Neuralgia

I am off to visit my dentist again this afternoon to have a referral to my GP and then possibly be sent to a neurologist. Happy Days <<< we really do need a sarcasm font

So yet another illness to add to the long list of conditions I have. 

Why can't my body just work properly?

On the job front, well, I walked out on my dream job 4 years ago without any notice (mainly due to my mental heath issues and problems in my personal life) I felt I was being bullied, I couldn't keep up with the workload and my team leader who had previously been very kind to me suddenly turned on me in front of an office full of my colleagues.

I waited until the end of that working day and then never returned, I feel into a deep depression and had a breakdown, I refused to acknowledge any communication from them and my contract was terminated at the end of my working year contract.

I have since found out, that my team leader left not long after I did.

I also became very good friends with one of my colleagues, in and out of work, but she became too much and became too involved in my personal life and my relationship I was in at the time, she would interfere so much until in the end me and my ex split up because of her, she would tell me what, when, how and why I should act, and I decided to distance myself from her, that also became awkward in the office. As far as I know she still works there.

I loved that job, it was the best job I have ever had and I have always regretted walking out and not staying and dealing with my problems.

While I was job hunting last week (as the other job application never came to anything, I will not be dealing with that agency again) I noticed my old job was being advertised again, so I cheekily applied, obviously not expecting anything from it, well, yesterday, I was sent an Invitation to Interview for the job!

Three of my old colleagues will be interviewing me, two of them I got on OK with (one was another team leader who kind of knew I had personal problems) but the other I didn't get on with so much, we never had any issues, we just didn't click, but we were always pleasant to each other.

I am going to go to the interview and face my past, acknowledge my wrongs and how I disappointed and let the team down. Explain I was a different person back then and how my life and priorities have changed since then.

EVERYTHING about my life is genuinely completely different to then, I just don't know how to convey that to them without sounding like I am bullshitting! 

Of course I am scared to walk into a room with three of my ex colleagues judging me, in fact, that kept me awake for a while last night. 

But even if this just gives me the chance to apologise and explain what happened to me, I will be happy with that. It would be even better if they were to offer me my job back!

Watch this space!!

CD12 post IVF

My LH strips arrived in the post just now, so I will begin testing today to see if I ovulate naturally after IVF.
Im really not expecting my body to play ball this cycle, but hopefully it will settle down before February.

And I need a slap............ I ended up buying the mixed set 50 LH and 10 HPT!!!

I am almost ready for Christmas, but I cannot find Charlie a onesie anywhere! My mum has been sent out on a mission today to try and find one. Even online they are hard to get hold of and people are putting them on eBay for stupid amounts! The one Charlie wanted was £8 in the shop, but it has just gone on eBay for £21. And after checking my bank account after yesterdays shopping trip, I just can't afford to spend that much on something that should only cost half the amount. Bah Humbug!
And his birthday is coming up at the end of January, and we have managed to get his birthday present sorted already, so we hopefully won't be too skint come the New Year. That's being delivered next week.

On the 'friend' front, I had her phone line and broadband put in on Wednesday and I hadn't even had so much as a Thank You. So I texted her to ask if it was sorted and then an hour and a half later, I received a text saying thank you, but they put the wrong broadband in!!! Then we were just talking like nothing had happened.
I haven't forgotten what happened, and I don't think the friendship will ever be the same, but I am not going to waste precious energy keep winding myself up about it and its not worth making life awkward for either of us, or the third friend in the friendship.

I still haven't heard anything about that job, and that makes me really angry, I don't see why she got in touch with me in the first place, and then not even to respond to my email was just plain rude!

Oh, and my toothache is back. So I'm back on antibiotics that I have to go and pick the prescription up in a while. I always get thrush when I am on anti biotics, so Bongo won't be happy that he has to go even longer without some actual sex!!
I am back on diazepam and sleeping tablets for two weeks, just to get through the heartache and stress. I would rather have 2 weeks of low medications than have another manic phase with my bipolar and be put back on anti psychotics permanently or long term which I can't do if I want to have a FET soon or be pregnant.

My Mad Aunty!

I would like to make a separate post to thank my bonkers mad aunty for all the things she has given me over the weekend to sell towards my next treatment!

She has given me clothes, electrical, pictures and jewellery which most have been added to eBay, but I'm unsure of some of the jewellery, she says it's all costume jewellery, but I think some of it is quite expensive stuff, so I am going to get it appraised and if it's as expensive as I think it is, I will be taking it back to her and checking that she still wants me to have it.

My mum said, my Aunt knows exactly what she has given me and there is no reason to give it back, but I really don't want to take the piss.

She has also said that this isn't even half of what she wants to give me, but shes waiting for us to sell some of it before cluttering our house up with more!

So far, we have everything listed on eBay and the total reserve price is about £150 without the jewellery.

So Thank You AUNTY A!!
My family may be the most messed up crazy bonkers people you will ever meet in your life, but they are MY family and I love them to death for everything they are doing for us!

I'm Back!!

So, I'm back after having a horrible few days, and I also wasn't sure there was anything worth writing. Now there is.

Firstly, the bleeding has really stopped, except for a few blood clots with no bleeding, which is strange, but they seem to be subsiding.
I did ring the clinic back on Saturday and it was discussed that I may have to go in and have my lining checked and B/W to see if it was definitely still just the lining coming out and it wasn't anything awful going on, and also to check my white blood cells for any signs of infection. I was told to call back Sunday and let them know what was happening, and by then the bleeding had stopped, only little blood clots, so they said that's fine and I am still to just rest for the next day or so. The pain that day was really bad again, and I know my endo ladies will know what I mean when I say I felt like I was being stabbed from my 'behind' and it all cramps up back there. It takes your breath away and I was bend over the towel rail in the bathroom at one point, unable to sit down on the loo because the cramps literally stop you from being able to move. So dosed up on painkillers and touch wood, I've been fine since.

I also received the letter about the FET treatments from the clinic, but still no end of treatment follow up letter.

The letter basically explains to two different ways to do the treatment as I explained in my last post, just a little more in depth. I think they prefer you to have a medicated cycle for timings and planning.

It also states that 'natural vs HRT FER are unclear as no well conducted studies have compared the two (such a trial is ongoing in Oxford)'
I think this may the the study that the nurse told me about last week.

I am all for doing a natural cycle, and it's not such a long cycle as a medicated one.
I also think, I have tried the medicated IVF and that didn't work, maybe my body will work a bit naturally, doing a more natural cycle?
It does state that they can only do a natural cycle on someone who has regular ovulatory cycles. So I am just about to buy myself a shed load of LH strips again, so I can see  what my cycles are doing between now and February, because I am sure I didn't ovulate naturally for about 3 cycles after I finished Clomid, so I want to see what my body is doing now, so no surprises come February and I can plan ahead if I need to change my treatment plan to a medicated cycle.

I am just about to buy the LH strips, and of course, you can buy the mixed packs of LH strips and HPTs! I know I only need the LH strips and I don't want to even have HPTs in the house, especially not those evils ICs, but I just cannot help myself in thinking I will be kicking myself next cycle if I don't take the offer of the HPTs as well!! But I also know there is no way on this earth that I will get pg naturally, so why would I need the HPTs???
Damn it, I'm going for the LH strips only!! If I come back tomorrow and say I  bought the mixed pack, please promise to virtually slap me around the face!?

I can't believe I am back TTC naturally, that's a bit of a bummer to be truthful, but I won't actually be TTC, just keeping an eye on making sure my body is doing as it should.
So worried that all the meds are going to have messed something up in there.

I have had other stuff going on as well. I finally finished the friendship with my friend of over 20 years. I have no idea what is going on in that head of hers, I really don't. Its hard enough to deal with the way she treated me during my IVF cycle, and what she said last week about having an iPhone5 being better than having a baby....... She's very bad with drinking and drugs at the moment, she needs an intervention, but to be honest, I know there is no talking to her and I'm not going to waste my time. She has a new set of druggie mates she has round her house all the time, these are girls who have lost custody of their  own children to social services because they chose their drug habit over their own children. So to my friend, I must be really boring because I don't do these things, so it probably doesn't bother her to have lost me as a friend.
I've told you about her before, she just thrives on drama, always arguing with someone, then wanting to go out and find this person and fight them, or damage their cars or their house. Yes, I used to be naughty and go along with these things, but I have grown up and I'm not interested in doing these things, I don't see the point. I don't want to act like a 15 year old chav!!
She knew I was in contact with the clinic and hospital on Saturday and she knew why.
Then Sunday evening, she got herself involved in someone elses argument, and was rowing with some girl on FB, she kept ringing me and asking me find this girls address (which I could have done if I really tried, there is no hiding from DI KK) but I just wasn't interested. Neither was the girl who's argument she had got herself involved in as she was with me. Then she said this girl was slagging off her parenting skills, and I still wasn't interested, I'm sorry, but if you decide to row with a young girl, then expect shit to be said!! (also, when I had my SIL saying stuff about me, this 'friend' told me just to ignore it, so she should heed her own advice)
I know in the past, I have always been the gun and she's loaded the bullets, but I've cottoned on to that now. She asked me to message the girl and I refused and said it's not my argument, you carry on with your argument if you want and she said the girl with grass her up and have her arrested, which proves what I said, she didn't care if I was to get grassed up and arrested, so I refused and said, she's not slagging me off, so I don't care. Then she rang back saying she is now slagging me off, and I still said, I don't care, the girl doesn't know me, I don't care what she thinks of me!!
Then my 'friend' lost it at me, was being really horrible saying I was using my failed IVF as an excuse to be a gutless cunt and that she didn't care about me still being physically and emotionally ill from the failed IVF, I'm just using it as an excuse to be a selfish gutless cunt.
I told her I wasn't interested in arguing with anyone right now, I have my own problems, Bongo is still not coping well with the failed IVF and Charlie is having problems with his home life at his dads and his school life. I need to concentrate on me and my family.
She then started ranting and raving at me saying I never do anything for her and her kids, which really hurt, because I have ALWAYS put her and her kids before myself and even Bongo and my own family.
It also turns out, she has actually caused more trouble for our friend she was 'sticking up for' and she may now be getting kicked out of her flat because of this.
I ordered her phone line and broadband because she was made bankrupt a few weeks ago, and I have received the email from them to say they will be installing it tomorrow, but I haven't even had so much as a thank you from her. This is me..... who does nothing for her and her kids.
By using my IVF against me in this way is unforgivable, she crossed a line and there is no going back from this. We will never be friends again. I will be pleasant if I see her (which she won't be, I know her, in fact, I wouldn't put it past her to now cause more drama with me) She over stepped the mark by a mile, but strangely, today, I feel at peace with this. I feel my life will improve without this negative influence in it.
I know this may sound weird, but I wonder if my failed IVF is karma, because of all the stuff she has dragged me into before and I have been involved in some of this shit.
Now I just want to live a normal life, no drama, and if that means just me Bongo, Charlie and Daniel, then so be it. They are the people who make me happy!

You're wondering who Daniel is? Dan is the new addition to my little family that seems to keep growing without the need for a pregnancy! Dan is my nephew who is now living with us. When he was away at The British Racing School, my sister moved in with her new partner and has put her penthouse up for rent, so Dan decided he wanted to live with us, so here he is, keeping me company and sane during the long hours Bongo is at work.

On the job front, now this is another thing that has pissed me off, the woman emailed ME last week and asked ME if I wanted the job and she wanted to put me forward for the job. I have heard nothing since that phone call, so I emailed her Friday to ask if their was any news, and I still have not heard anything from her, not even to tell me I haven't got the job!!
Why do they do that? What does it cost them to be courteous and let you know where you stand?
So I'm taking it I haven't got a job and am still looking.
I really wanted that job.

--------------------------

I have just read back the above post about my friend, and realise just how immature she is, and how stupid and immature I have been to go along with her life for however long I was.
I am so bloody glad I wised up and am away from that stupid, immature life!
It makes me sound like I am about 15 years old and such a knobhead.
I never realised how writing a blog could actually make you realise who you need to make changes to your life for the better!
So Thank You VOLDERBUMP for the lifelong ban and giving me the push to write my own blog!!! HA HA HA!!

End Of Treatment

So, after days of waiting for a phone call from the clinic, I rang them back, as I still have fresh heavy bleeding and clots.
I rang and spoke to the receptionist and asked if I was supposed to have a phone call back and she said I should have done.
An hour later, a nurse rings me back and was very apologetic and cannot work out why I had been forgotten about and hadn't had a phone call back after my bfn.
I will receive an end of treatment outline letter from them shortly and I have the option to go in and discuss the treatment cycle with them.
I told her about the bleeding and she said it's pretty normal after the amount of drugs I have had in my body this cycle but that if it's still bad at the weekend, I am to give them a ring and go and see a doctor.

I asked her about having a FET. And for some reason, I had got in it my head that the clinic were avoiding me because none of my embies made it to freeze. But she assured me, all 5 had made it to freeze.
She explained the two different ways of doing a FET. Medicated or unmedicated, I asked which one has a higher success rate, but she said that a study recently had shown no difference between the two. She also said that because I have regular - between 28-32 day - cycles, I am eligible to go for an unmedicated cycle. The earliest I can go in for  FET is February as they like us to have 3 normal periods before they do anymore treatment.

So, unmedicated is that I go in at the beginning of my cycle for baseline scans, check out which will be a lead folly and B/W. Then I will do OPKs leading up to ovulation and when I get my surge, they will do the ET/FET 7 days later, then hpt 10 days later. Its as simple as that.

A medicated cycle would begin on CD21 again to DR, the usual scans and B/W on CD3 and then 2 weeks of Estrodial tablets. Then the FET.

Everything with a medicated FET will be timed exactly and we will know exactly when everything is happening. This obviously wouldn't be the case with an unmedicated cycle and it will be down to my body behaving. Also with the unmedicated, if I have my surge at a weekend, they will not do the transfer at a weekend, so the cycle will be cancelled and changed to the next cycle. But I won't be charged for the cancelled cycle.

A medicated FET is £790 + £250-£400 (for meds)
Unmedicated FET £790

I also explained that I am worried about any future transfer after what happened with this last one one (still a part of me wonders if the trauma from the transfer contributed to the bfn) and she said when I make the appointment for the end of treatment , I can discuss this with them and it is possible that they may dilate my cervix before the transfer, so we can make a treatment plan regarding this.

I am kind of swayed to having a natural FET this time, I've tried the cycle where I'm pumped full of medications, so maybe going natural will make a change.
I also don't want to take the piss out of my sister and expect to pay more if she doesn't have to. Its not completely necessary that I have a medicated cycle so I don't see why I can't give an unmedicated a go?

If this one doesn't work, I will save up along with my friends and family and do a medicated one in the future. I have 10 years to save up, I'm sure £1200 won't take too long to save up. And hopefully if I get this job I have been asked to apply for, I can do it in a couple of months.
Its all food for thought.

Emotionally I am still a wreck, Bongo's first day back at work today and I was really dreading it. I was so upset last night at the thought of him having to go back and I hardly slept. I hate being apart from him just now. I'm not normally a needy person, so I don't know why I feel like this. He is on his way home from work now and I can't wait for him to get in.
I am also exhausted and in so much pain. I think the amount of blood loss I am having is having an effect and the worry of that has also played a part. Hopefully it will ease up soon.

A bit disappointed I have to wait until February to have another shot at this, but at least it gives my body time to recover from the emotional and physical battering it has these past couple of months.

Proven Otherwise.........

Well, what a rough couple of days...

I done my last HPT on Monday morning and it was bfn as expected. So I rang the clinic again and it was suggested to me that I would be receiving a phone call back from them at some point. Well it's now 9pm on Tuesday and I still haven't heard from them. After such amazing treatment and how well I was looked after during my treatment, I feel kind of disappointed and abandoned.
I would like to know where I stand and where we go from here. I know to expect a follow up appointment, but I was expecting at least a phone call to let me know what to expect.

So yesterday was a bad day, after spending £300 getting my car through the MOT and Road Tax and being absolutely skint 3 days after payday, we went to go into town to arrange some money and the damn car broke down, just wouldn't start. Then, just as my mum turned up with the jump leads and us almost killing her car trying to jump start ours (I managed to fix mums thank god! Yes I know more about cars than most men, being the girl racer that I am) we went upstairs to have a cup of tea and a think, and AF turned up just as I walked up the stairs.

Major emotional breakdown ensues...........

I try talking to bongo about how are we going to fix the car? How are we going to afford to fix the car? How are we going to get some money full stop? How is he going to get to work with no car? I can't not get Charlie presents for Christmas.
I am fed up of my parents always having to bail us out financially, I am too tired to ask my mum for financial help and the lectures that goes with me asking to borrow money. My AF has just arrived which is a physical reminder that my body failed, I'm racked with pain, another physical reminder that its MY body that failed. Mr Super Sperm can rest easy at night knowing he's ok. I'm tired of it all going wrong, I want him to deal with it.
I screamed, I shouted, I cried, he tried walking out to walk to town and sort the money out, just when I finally opened up and showed my feelings about how I feel about this failed cycle. Yes, I show it by getting angry, but after all this time together, he should know that's how I show I'm at breaking point, I just needed a cuddle, I needed to let it out and he walked away trying to solve the other problems. In hindsight, bless him, he couldn't have done right. But I followed him and screamed and shouted by the back door and our neighbour who is a total dickhead, called the police on us again!!

Further breakdown commences, bongo managed to convince the police it was someone arguing down the alley at the back of out house. But I just couldn't take anymore. Dark thoughts entered my head, those old feelings of self harm came back, but I managed to push them away. Just really couldn't take anymore and didn't know how to cope.

As I said, I'm tired of asking my parents for money, so I ask bongo to ask his sister (who knows how much my family does for me and knows about my sisters offer to pay for FET) and she refuses to help and tells him it's just material things he wants money for!!! At that point I lose it again, how can she say that?? He needs the car to get to work, to put a roof over our heads and food in our stomachs! Silly me, didn't realise that a job to pay for food and a home isn't a necessity.

On top of that, my so called friend who has been mentioned on here a few times, decided to tell me that the iPhone5 that bongo ordered for me on Saturday was much better than having a baby anyway (says the woman with 4 kids) and then later while another friend is here and she's on the phone to her, asks her to tell me that Kate Middleton is pregnant!!! What goes on in her head?? Why would my so called best mate of 30 years tell me that 2 days after I find out my IVF has failed and the day AF arrives.

Mum and dad turned up later that night and take the battery out of the car to take it away to charge it on the heavy duty battery charger (my dad builds motorbikes) and I spoke to my mum about lending us the money to get the car fixed if we need it, and it makes me feel a bit better.

Today:
A friend has lent us her car, but it was too late to get to my mums to sell the other car which was supposed to be picked up at 8am (seriously need the cash), but we managed to get to mums to get the battery that has been charging and put it back in my car and my car is now working!! Yay, yay, yay!!

We manage to get into town to sort the cash flow situation out, not rich by any means, but we have cash again!

We will be meeting the person picking the car up tomorrow, so again, more cash!

Today is getting better............

Then AF seriously kicks in! I have been in some serious pain, no painkillers are touching it, my hot water bottle is soothing it, but not taking the pain away. I am bleeding really heavy and I have lost a blood clot the size of my palm twice. It's scaring me. We have decided one more loss like that and we will be paying a visit to A&E. and ringing the out of hours doctor at the clinic.

I have such a fear of 'wasting my sisters money' on a FET and it not working as well and I spoke to my mum about this, she said my sister understands the odds and has done her research and by no means is there any pressure on me to get pregnant because my sister is paying. My sister is just giving us another chance.
But my mum has decided to start a 'fund' that we can all put some money into to start saving towards a third FET, all of my friends are on board with this, we will be doing car boots, selling things on eBay and maybe getting our heads together for more ways to save, so any weird and wonderful ideas any of you have would be excellent.
We also agreed that should my first FET be successful and I have a live birth from it, we have agreed that we will be donating the money to someone who also needs/wants a round of IVF.

In other news, I received an email about a prospective job, I spoke to the woman at the agency and she would like to put me forward for the job and if I'm accepted, I can start next week. It's going a bit backwards in my career, back to dentistry, but I just need a job right now, financially to get by month to month, to save for FET and also to keep my busy little mind occupied and stop sitting at home worrying the small stuff, and also to keep my mind off the LTTTC, IVF, FET etc etc

Game Over

As you can probably tell by the title, it was BFN.

I tested late of Friday night, but of course I was expecting it, I had a little cry, but I think I'm dealing with it quite well. Not as bad as I thought.
Bongo hasn't dealt with it quite so well.

I then tested again at 6.15am on Saturday morning with the official test they sent me home from the clinic with and of course that is BFN.

Bongo has taken on the traits of a LTTTCer, he keeps going back to the tests to check if anything has changed or if we missed a little line, changes the angles in the light, holds it up to the light, but of course nothing has changed.

I rang the clinic and left a message to say it was BFN and could I stop the Cyclogest, but being the div I am, I forgot to leave my number, so no one has rung me back, so I have just continued with the pessaries, my last one is tonight anyway, and I will ring them back tomorrow.

Of course AF hasn't shown, because of the pessaries, so maybe she will make an apperance in the next few days when I stop the meds, but strangly, all pains have gone since I done the tests. I have NO pains whatsoever.

I will use my last test Monday morning, as then it has been 48 hours since my last. Not that I'm expecting anything to show up!!

Next step is to have a follow up appointment, so hopefully that will be in a couple of weeks, and there is a light at the end of this big long dark tunnel...............
My sister rang me yesterday morning and asked what the next steps are, I told her we have frosties, so we will have to start saving our pennies, and blow me down with a feather, if she didn't just come out with 'the money is here waiting for when your ready to go' my wonderful sister has offered to pay, not lend, the money for go for a FET.
My sister is not a very approachable person, I can't even ask to borrow a fiver because she is such a miserable moo bag, and she had text me the night before to ask what I want for Christmas, and I asked for wellie boots, so she asked me to send her a link to the ones I want, cheekily, I asked for a pair of yard boots which are around £40 expecting to be told not to take the pss, then she sent me a link back to some wedge wellies asking if I wanted them instead, I looked at the price and they were £100!!!! I was trying to pluck up the courage to ask that instead of spending £100 on a pair of boots for me, can she put the money in a savings account to start saving towards my FET when she just came out with that she will pay for the lot and the cash is there when I'm ready.
This has definitley softened the blow somewhat.

I am scared about 'wasting my sisters money' if it doesn't work again. And I am adamant, no matter what they say this time, I am putting at least 2 frosties back!! But I am wondering if they are going to say that I need surgery on my cervix first.

I have loads more I want to say, but my brain is going to expload! I will pop back and update as soon as I remember things.