Time For An Update

So, a few people have messaged me to say I haven't updated my blog in a while, whats going on?

Its been a horrible few weeks for me in all honestly. (I would just like to point out, the content of this post may be quite muddled/confusing/ranting, but hopefully you will understand why and be able to put the pieces together)
I think in my last post, I explained that I had been put back on sleeping tablets and diazepam, well at first they had been knocking me for six, especially considering during the past 10 years, I have been on and off anti-psychotic medications, sedative and medications for schizophrenia (not that I have that, they just hoped the meds may calm me) My diagnosis is Bipolar Disorder, Cyclothymia (rapid cycling of bipolar) and Emotionally unstable Personality Disorder! Add to that anxiety, and agoraphobia, you have a recipe for disaster when life doesn't go the way you wanted.

In hindsight, I should have got more support for this before, during and after  I went through any fertility treatments. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

So Christmas was an absolute disaster. Bongo was working, Charlie went back to his dads at midday Christmas day, that's when the tears started. They didn't stop for 4 whole days. The sleeping tablets stopped working and the Diazepam may as well have been paracetamol. Everything went wrong to the wrong music being played to there looking like a massacre had happened in the bedroom thanks to the dog managing to get hold of a tub of my pillar box red hair dye, I have a white/cream bedroom, so I had blood red hair dye all over my white bedsheets and cream carpet. I should have been about 8 weeks pregnant and I wasn't.

I also just could not bear the thought of sex. Of course I wanted it, I still had 'urges' and wanted Bongo as much as I have ever done, but something in my head was stopping me, I think I needed to get past sex being about a baby. I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

In the end, it all just got too much, and I spoke to Bongo about it. I have never realised until then how much just talking to him would make things better, but it did. We became so much closer, more loving and sex was back on the cards, for the right reasons. Because I WANTED to, not because I needed to. It was near the end of my cycle, so there was no baby making involved in it at all. We spent that weekend just cuddled up on the sofa (we are not normally a touchy feely couple). We had a few tears together about everything, he kept touching the tattoo I have of the date we had our MC, no words needed to be said, we just cried.

New Year comes along, I had a party for my friend who's Birthday is NYE and that was OK, but my pregnant friend was there and I was obsessed with trying to make the baby wake up and kick me! I have no idea why! But he wouldn't wake up!! I was fine with it, I have no hard feelings and was looking after her all night. I am excited for her.

But, I just cannot shake the rapid cycling phase of the bipolar. I had to take a break from facebook and friends because I could tell after I had written a few things that I was being a complete twat and talking crap. Shame I couldn't have noticed before I done it, or sent the post. So to those people, I apologise.
I have now hit the depression point again, so I have to go back to the doctors AGAIN, probably to be sent back to the CMHT, hopefully they can offer me some counselling instead of medications, but how many people in my area can say they understand what I have been through, how many have mental health problems and failed IVF??
I went to my doctors last week, but ended up seeing a locum as my normal GP was sick. This Locum was an absolute tit. When I explained that my feelings of self harm are surfacing, she refused point blank to medicate as I would probably try to commit suicide, now that is something that REALLY REALLY pisses me off, there is a MASSIVE HUGE GIGANTIC difference between self harm and feeling suicidal. This is not the blog or place to go into this and have a massive rant explaining the difference, but there is.
I explained, if she had bothered to read my notes, I am a self harmer. I tried to suicide once about 11 years ago, when I didn't understand what was happening to me and why I felt the way I did, I didn't have a diagnosis, that was at the beginning of my problems and I was scared. Suicide is not for me! In the end, I had to get my arm out and show her my scars to prove its just self harm, never ever have I cut in a place that would even make anyone think it was a suicide attempt. She was irritating the fuck out of me and I think she realised. She wanted to put me back on long term medication then, which made absolutely no sense whatsoever, couldn't I try and commit suicide with that as well then??!! I refused long term medication and asked just for short term help to help me through this phase, so she upped my dose of Zopiclone and Diazepam, but only for two weeks. I don't understand why she would want to medicate me long term, and not short term??

See what I mean about rants??!! LOL ^^^

So back to babymaking. I had another positive OPK today, I think? Then 3 hours later a negative. Its only CD10 so I will keep testing. My head says keep BDing, but then I think whats the point (HA HA another Bipolar moment!)
With regards to the FET. According to the chat I had with the nurse back in December, I would be good to go after my next AF, so I could actually have the transfer around Valentines day if my body plays ball! But I'm not sure if I'm ready for that yet, and Bongo and I did discuss doing it around April/May time. I never ever thought I would be putting off the possibility of getting pregnant for a few months, but I feel for some reason spring time may be better for us.
We have also decided that we won't be telling anyone, of course, my few followers on here with have the exact same detailed updates that I did during my fresh IVF!

Oh, and I never did receive that letter detailing my IVF cycle at the end of the cycle. So I am going to have to ring them again Monday and make the appointment to go in and discuss options and treatment plans about the FET, as I still have concerns about having a full bladder and the state of my cervix. I am also wondering if it's worth going and having another lap before the FET to treat my endo and any adhesion's, as I had a few the last time I had a lap back in September 2009???