I haven't updated for a while, I suppose it's time.
Firstly, I won't be starting my new job, they are dickheads. I explained when I had my interview the reason I left last time. I was in a violent relationship, I was nearly killed by him, I had to run away. They were very understanding, and still offered me the job, then HR stick their noses in and they don't give a shit!
I've had a stressful time with Charlie, who has really been struggling with school, puberty, his home life at his fathers, we seem to be getting somewhere now. I have put him on a reward system rather than punishment as I always found that works better. It certainly did with me, I remember when I was going through a hard stage at school, and every them I did we'll, my sister would buy me something nice, it pushed me to do well. Punishment becomes routine, you get used to it, it becomes like water off a ducks back.
So we were getting ready to go for the FET next AF, we decided to get wasted for two weeks, and give it our everything, naturally, one last time. I'd stopped all vitamins etc. I was only taking B12 because I'd been feeling crap since the IVF in November. It seemed to perk me up a bit. I was only drinking lemon and ginger tea with brown sugar to keep my uterus warm. I decided to get the pre-seed and conceive plus out again. Out came the OPKs, what the hell is going on? 5 days of blazing positive OPKs, my head was officially fucked! What had the IVF done to my body?
I was thinking about getting myself ready to ring the clinic to book in for the FET. Spoken to my sister who was all good to go, the money is just sat there waiting.
Two days before AF was due, I woke up at 6.30 am needing a wee, and as we do, done an IC, but it straight back in the packet, back in my box and went back to bed. I didn't even look at it. I woke up again at 11am, needed a wee again and decided to have a look at the nice Snow White IC, but it wasn't, there's two lines, although feint, there's definitely two lines. I scream before bongo, waking him up, he comes running in the bathroom, all sleepy eyed and confused. I say "umm, I think I'm pregnant" and bless him, he says "no darling, sorry, I was just dreaming". Well, that confused the shit out of me!! He had been dreaming that I had a bfp, god bless him, and it took us a while to realise that it was actually real.
We decided not to trust the IC, and went and bought a FRER ( well I sent my mum) we done that later on that afternoon, it took a minute to come up but it's definitely positive.
Two days later, I done the other FRER, it's quite feint, but 100% positive.
I have done 2 digitals and they have both come up positive and the conception indicator is spot on.
I went to the doctor, as I have been having cramps. I couldn't get in to see my usual GP, who has been through every step of my journey with me. I ended up seeing that divvy locum I saw when I was struggling a few weeks back. I stupidly thought she would be over the moon for me, as she had seem what a mess I was when the IVF failed. All I got was "erm, nice" out of her. I asked for a referral to the EPU, as I am high risk, for multiple reasons, MMC, IVF, higher risk of multiples due to stimulation of my ovaries less than 6 months ago, I'm older and there is a history of multiple in my family. And of course the pains I've been getting. But no, she refused point blank to refer me, told me that there's nothing they can do this early even if something was to go wrong. I do, understand that, I really do, but I need reassurance. I explained that when I had a MC last time, I didn't actually lose it, I had to have surgery. I had no idea that things were not right. I just need some reassurances. But no! Come back when I'm 6 weeks and if I'm still having pain, then she will see about referring me. FUCKING CUNT!! (Sorry cat)
I went out and spoke to the receptionist who has known me since a baby and knows everything we have been through and she has booked me in with the midwife for tomorrow (5+5), hopefully she will be more understanding and reasonable and refer me. If not, I'm ringing the OFU and seeing if they will fit me in for a private scan sometime next week.
I have been having cramping almost constantly since I found out. Everyone reassures me it's completely normal. Everything's growing and stretching. I have wobbles everyday. I panic, I'm still trying to get my head round this. I had a bad day last week, pains were pretty bad, but I really has to go out. I stood up and though "oh shit, something's really wrong" but didn't want to say anything. I went to my mates, who made me put my feet up, and the pain eased. As we were getting in the car an hour later, it's like my hormones really kicked in. My boobs started hurting, I feel so nauseous.
I've had a few right ovary pains ( always my lead ovulation) and then started worrying about an ectopic. But that has eased. I'm told that's normal as well.
Today, I feel like hell on wheels. I can't even move without dry heaving. But to me, it's all good, hormones are obviously doing something. When I had my MC, I had zero symptoms except sore boobs, I never was once sick. So I'm taking this that its a good sign, everything's working as it should. I keep trying to compare to when I was pregnant with Charlie, but remembering 14 years ago is hard.
I do have to keep running to the loo, as I have lots of CM, and obviously, I keep panicking, thinking I may be bleeding. I was making myself sore, keep running and wiping, so I'm now wearing panty liners, so I can just check that way.
I know this post will be hard for some of you to read, and I'm sorry. Please don't ever think I will forget where I came from. and I'm not out the woods yet. LTTTC has been a part of my life longer than anything else, including Charlie, as I was LTTTC with him also.
I will update again, after my MW appointment tomorrow.
Thank you all for always being there for me, through the ups and downs.
And I want this to keep your spirits high, remember I've been LTTTC for 12 years, 7 clomid cycles, all bfn, one fresh IVF cycle, bfn, and now a natural pregnancy. There always, always hope.
