12 Weeks

So according to my LMP, I'm 12 weeks today! Yay!
(Although if we go by the dumb sonographer, I'm 11 weeks tomorrow, but lets forget her)

We still have to wait another 11 days for our scan, so will have a more accurate date on the 11th June.

My 17 year old nephew has insisted on paying for our 'Gender Peek' Scan, and tricked me into taking the money yesterday! So we will be booking that for 16 weeks when we have our more accurate date at the scan in 11 days.

I've just been upset by the nurse at my G.P surgery. I've had another couple of episodes of low blood sugars and hypos, so I rang to speak to someone. She actually shouted at me down the phone demanding to know where I got a blood glucose monitor from, so I explained that my dad and nephew are diabetic, and I always keep a monitor in the house. But, does she not know, ANYONE can buy a monitor in Boots or a chemist? She told me I was over reacting and causing myself to panic for no reason, I should not be testing my blood glucose levels, and she wasn't interesting in hearing about how low my levels had dropped. 2.3, 2.5 and 2.8 are FAR from within normal limits. She just wanted to shout at me and make me feel like a drama queen. I tried to explain my family history, that I am higher risk of gestational diabetes. All she asked was had I been eating properly, so I said of course, I have been keeping a food and blood glucose diary, cue, more shouting for using the monitor. I then explained my last 'hypo' 2 days ago, I was actually drinking a can of coke at the time, so it made absolutely no sense what so ever that my levels dropped to 2.8. She wasn't interested.
I'm now too scared to make a doctors appointment or ring my midwife, because I've been made to feel really stupid and that I'm being a drama queen. I just don't know what to do?

I also have a theory on women who are diagnosed with gestational diabetes in the third trimester. When my blood sugar levels go low, it can be mistaken for normal pregnancy related dizziness, sickness, weakness. Just I am more aware of hypo symptoms, so wondered and checked my blood glucose levels.
Low blood sugar levels can be diagnosed with hyperinsulinemia, where the body produces too much insulin for the time being, then, later the pancreas doesn't have enough insulin to produce, and therefore are diagnosed with diabetes (mainly type 2)
I'm sure if they tested more women's blood glucose levels more regularly in first tri (high risk for developing gestational diabetes) it will show more markers for if they will develop it later in pregnancy. But the symptoms are always just put down to 'normal pregnancy related symptoms'

I'm feeling a bit better physically this week, I'm still waking up with headaches, but not so bad, backache is still sore, but not unbearable. I am actually the size of a house already! Bongo has started taking weekly pictures, here is this weeks.

Looks like a good excuse to go and buy more clothes!!

10 weeks 5 days

WARNING!!! I'm a moany old whinge bag today!!!



Urgh, I'm not going to lie, I'm suffering!

I may get some stick, people think I'm being ungrateful, I'm not, I'm extremely grateful for being pregnant with this little miracle, I'm just not going to sugarcoat it, I'm not going to lie, pregnancy is hard. And yes, I may have the odd whine, but this is my blog, and I'm going to be honest!

My blood sugar levels seem to have stabilised, I have the odd low reading, which is easily fixed (thank you Pepsi and Milka chocolate)
I cut out caffeine because of my restless legs, but started suffering really severe headaches/migraines, I put that down to caffeine withdrawals and started drinking regular coffee again and I feel a lot better once I've had a coffee or Pepsi.  I've always drunk loads of coke/pepsi, so I think it was a major shock to the system cutting caffeine out completely. I still awake with a headache, but as soon as I have had a coffee, it goes within half an hour, and I sip a single can of coke or pepsi throughout the day to keep the headaches at bay.
My restless legs also seem to have calmed down, even though I'm supping caffeine, I'm still taking magnesium and iron supplements, along with a pre-natal vitamin, so I hope that will be whats helping.

I'm so restless all the time, I'm amazingly tired, but do not want to sleep, or can't sleep! Then I get restless and grumpy - I don't know how to fix this, but I'm told it's quite normal for the 1st Tri.
I awake every single hour on the dot during the night to go for a wee!! Which doesn't really help at all!! We all know how bad I am with my bladder at the best of times!!!

Wowzers! Round ligament pain is pants!! All that stretching and pulling is painful!! Although amazingly great, because it means things are growing properly!! But damn, the pain is unbearable at times!! My back has been the most painful, this morning I woke crying in pain, I had to get Bongo to push on my hips from behind, then bunch his fist into a ball and push against my lower back, it was the only thing that eased the pain, then he made me a hot water bottle to have on it while he toddled off to work. And I lay with a pillow between my legs to keep my pelvis open, it's the only release from the pain!
Now I keep getting emails saying he feels guilty for leaving me, bless his little cottons!
Mum is making me a pillow to have between my legs and around my back for support! To buy a maternity pillow would cost in the region of £50 for a decent one, so thank god for my mum!!!

Good news is, it's 2 weeks and 6 days until my scan! Excited and scared are the first feelings that come to mind.
The time seems to have flown by so far, but now I'm on the countdown to the scan, its dragging soooooooo slooooooow.

I think we have finally decided to go for the elective C-Section. Bongo was adamant that he didn't want me to have a TOLAC (Trial of labour after C-Section) and after talking to my friend who had an elective with her second, and a emergency with her first, I think she has convinced me. Also my friend who's a midwife who works at the hospital where I am booked in, talked me through the procedure, and I am happy with it, apart from one thing.
You get booked into the ward, then taken to main theatre instead of labour theatre, after you have the section, you are taken into recovery for an hour, but the baby is not allowed to come with you, they are taken straight back to the ward with dad. I'm not entirely happy with this, but I have time to come to terms with it. Of course, as long as it's a straight forward birth, I get to have the baby placed on my chest for a while, when they are stitching me up.
I feel you are in some way being punished for having a section. When you have a straight forward vaginal birth, you are encouraged to lift the baby out yourself and put baby straight to your chest for skin to skin, you are also encouraged to put the baby straight to the breast to suckle. Why can't I have these encouragements because I chose or have to have a section?

I did warn you it would be a moany post!!

9 weeks 3 days

I know I said I would pop back ages ago and update, but thought I would leave it a while.

Things are going pretty well for me, I'm feeling a lot better now, so I shall update with everything that has happened so far!

I went to see the midwife at 6 weeks, who done all my booking in, she has said I can go for a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) which has scared me half to death, but I also like the thought of at least having a Trial of Labour and seeing how things go. Bongo's not convinced, he's scared and would like me to go straight for another C-Section, as he is worried how big the baby will be.
So I asked if I could have a scan at approx 34 weeks (like I did with Charlie) to determine the size of the baby and we make the decision from there. I am already booked into my hospital of choice for the birth, I can't quite believe this is all happening.
I talked to her about my concerns and that I just wanted some reassurance. EPU will not just do scans for reassurance, so she booked me in for a dating scan, which would be the following Tuesday (and also the anniversary of my MMC)
I was given the forms for blood work at 8 weeks and my forms for 12week scan.
I was asked if I wanted the tests for Down Syndrome, which I agreed to, but the results will make no difference to me, I love my little pea!
I was informed I am of higher risk of pre-eclampysia and of gestational diabetes, due to my family history of diabetes.
She also wanted to discuss my mental health, we have a local team of midwives who specialise in pregnancy and mental health, so I am now booked under their care and they come to my home for all my midwife appointments so I don't have to always go to the surgery.
I am also booked under obstetric care, due to me being high risk for many things! But mostly as I have had a C-Section.

I went for my scan at 6+4, I explained on the phone about my irritable bladder and when I got there, I just couldn't cope and went to the toilet before the scan, when we got in the room, the woman seemed a bit irritated, but went ahead and used the Dildo Cam, she did not seem very confident at all, but as soon as we looked at the screen, we saw the little heart beating away!! I'm trying very hard not to cry, Bongo is tapping my leg, thumbs in the air, saying 'look,look,' and all I kept thinking was 'don't talk, you'll just blub, and Bongo, please stop tapping on my leg while she still has the wand up my hoo haa', she said she thought my dates were earlier than I thought, but she needed to check and can I go outside and wait while she does the report. Again, I'm going to stress, she did not seem at all comfortable or confident scanning such an early pregnancy.
We waited outside and couldn't stop grinning, then she came out and told us my dates were 8 days ahead, and that I was only 5+3 baby measured 3.9mm, but we were happy, we had seen our baby was doing just fine. We are booked in for our 12 week scan according to her calculations on 11th June.
A couple of days later, I started getting a panic on, and done some calculations, by her dates, I would have got my bfp, just a couple of days after ovulation, that can't be right! Then I wondered if my baby was not growing properly. I got quite upset.
Luckily my midwife rang a day later to book my next appointment, and I explained it to her, and she said we will just stick with my original date for now, as early scans are not always reliable, and we will know for sure at my 12 week scan.
I also asked DR Google, who sent me to a website that gives you your dates according to the CRL (crown rump length) and according to that, my original date was spot on!!
Silly sonographer!!

The pains I have experienced have all gone, I'm doing OK with MS, my boobs really hurt during the night and first thing in the morning, but other than that, I've been pretty OK. I haven't been sick (except once when the cat had an accident in my bedroom, but I probably would have been sick anyway!!) I have been getting the odd migraine, but its bearable, I' not overly tired, but when I do get tired, its an immediate - I have to go nap and my RLS was really bad at one point, so I upped my magnesium, iron and potassium, I'm eating bananas 5 times a day and drinking tonic water for quinine, and my legs seem so much better, I saw a difference within 2 days. My mood swings have been terrible (poor Bongo) and I have so much pent up rage at the moment!!

I went for my blood tests last Wednesday, and the woman was a butcher! I'm still lumpy and bruised! :(

Bongo noticed that I have started showing already, I had noticed, but thought it was just bloat, he has decide to take pictures of me every week to see the changes, and started it that night, when I looked at the picture, it is definitely a bump and not bloat! So at 9 weeks, I'm already showing, and I wouldn't have it any other way! (The sonographer did only show us one fetus!)

I'm eating like a horse, but i'm eating really healthy. I have cut out all caffeine, no coke/Pepsi or fizzy drinks (this has also helped with my restless legs) but I'm eating like every couple of hours! I'm going to be the size of a house!

Saturday, I was having lunch and felt fine, Bongo nipped out to the shops for something, and I came across all funny, I couldn't see properly, I was really hot and clammy, I had a sweat and just needed to lay down, I went to the bedroom, but Charlie followed me, and thank god he did, he noticed the signs of a hypoglycemic episode and ran and got me chocolate and made me eat it. I was fine within a minute or so, but had a really bad headache and was a grumpy bitch for ages afterwards. I rang my mum and told her what had happened and she confirmed it sounded like a hypo (my dad and my nephew who live with my mum are both diabetic)
So yesterday, I went and bought a blood glucose monitor, my friend had the keys to her salon and she treated me to a full pamper and haircut. I ate about 10 caramel biscuits, then came home and done a blood test immediately, which was 4.3, which is quite low (normal range depending on who you speak to is between 5-8MmoL) so Bongo cooked me a massive meal of rump steak, corn on the Cobb, mushrooms, tomatoes, I had a cherry juice and Capri Sun and a banana for afters, but two hours later my blood had only gone up to 5.1 and before bed, it was 5.3, so although in the normal range, it is the lower end of normal. So I am just keeping an eye on things before and after each meal, when I wake up and before I go to bed.

Mentally, I am very up and down dealing with the transition between IF and pregnancy. I will always be IF, it has been a part of my life for longer than anything else, including Charlie as I was TTC for 2 years with him.
But, had my IF friends not be so understanding and supportive, I know I wouldn't be coping with this as well as I am, so I want to thank you all for being there and sticking by me, when you could have just ousted me the minute you found out!! I love you all so much!!

How?

I haven't updated for a while, I suppose it's time.

Firstly, I won't be starting my new job, they are dickheads. I explained when I had my interview the reason I left last time. I was in a violent relationship, I was nearly killed by him, I had to run away. They were very understanding, and still offered me the job, then HR stick their noses in and they don't give a shit!

I've had a stressful time with Charlie, who has really been struggling with school, puberty, his home life at his fathers, we seem to be getting somewhere now. I have put him on a reward system rather than punishment as I always found that works better. It certainly did with me, I remember when I was going through a hard stage at school, and every them I did we'll, my sister would buy me something nice, it pushed me to do well. Punishment becomes routine, you get used to it, it becomes like water off a ducks back.

So we were getting ready to go for the FET next AF, we decided to get wasted for two weeks, and give it our everything, naturally, one last time. I'd stopped all vitamins etc. I was only taking B12 because I'd been feeling crap since the IVF in November. It seemed to perk me up a bit. I was only drinking lemon and ginger tea with brown sugar to keep my uterus warm. I decided to get the pre-seed and conceive plus out again. Out came the OPKs, what the hell is going on? 5 days of blazing positive OPKs, my head was officially fucked! What had the IVF done to my body?

I was thinking about getting myself ready to ring the clinic to book in for the FET. Spoken to my sister who was all good to go, the money is just sat there waiting.

Two days before AF was due, I woke up at 6.30 am needing a wee, and as we do, done an IC, but it straight back in the packet, back in my box and went back to bed. I didn't even look at it. I woke up again at 11am, needed a wee again and decided to have a look at the nice Snow White IC, but it wasn't, there's two lines, although feint, there's definitely two lines. I scream before bongo, waking him up, he comes running in the bathroom, all sleepy eyed and confused. I say "umm, I think I'm pregnant" and bless him, he says "no darling, sorry, I was just dreaming". Well, that confused the shit out of me!! He had been dreaming that I had a bfp, god bless him, and it took us a while to realise that it was actually real.
We decided not to trust the IC, and went and bought a FRER ( well I sent my mum) we done that later on that afternoon, it took a minute to come up but it's definitely positive.

Two days later, I done the other FRER, it's quite feint, but 100% positive.
I have done 2 digitals and they have both come up positive and the conception indicator is spot on.

I went to the doctor, as I have been having cramps. I couldn't get in to see my usual GP, who has been through every step of my journey with me. I ended up seeing that divvy locum I saw when I was struggling a few weeks back. I stupidly thought she would be over the moon for me, as she had seem what a mess I was when the IVF failed. All I got was "erm, nice" out of her. I asked for a referral to the EPU, as I am high risk, for multiple reasons, MMC, IVF, higher risk of multiples due to stimulation of my ovaries less than 6 months ago, I'm older and there is a history of multiple in my family. And of course the pains I've been getting. But no, she refused point blank to refer me, told me that there's nothing they can do this early even if something was to go wrong. I do, understand that, I really do, but I need reassurance. I explained that when I had a MC last time, I didn't actually lose it, I had to have surgery. I had no idea that things were not right. I just need some reassurances. But no! Come back when I'm 6 weeks and if I'm still having pain, then she will see about referring me. FUCKING CUNT!! (Sorry cat)

I went out and spoke to the receptionist who has known me since a baby and knows everything we have been through and she has booked me in with the midwife for tomorrow (5+5), hopefully she will be more understanding and reasonable and refer me. If not, I'm ringing the OFU and seeing if they will fit me in for a private scan sometime next week.

I have been having cramping almost constantly since I found out. Everyone reassures me it's completely normal. Everything's growing and stretching. I have wobbles everyday. I panic, I'm still trying to get my head round this. I had a bad day last week, pains were pretty bad, but I really has to go out. I stood up and though "oh shit, something's really wrong" but didn't want to say anything. I went to my mates, who made me put my feet up, and the pain eased. As we were getting in the car an hour later, it's like my hormones really kicked in. My boobs started hurting, I feel so nauseous.
I've had a few right ovary pains ( always my lead ovulation) and then started worrying about an ectopic. But that has eased. I'm told that's normal as well.

Today, I feel like hell on wheels. I can't even move without dry heaving. But to me, it's all good, hormones are obviously doing something. When I had my MC, I had zero symptoms except sore boobs, I never was once sick. So I'm taking this that its a good sign, everything's working as it should. I keep trying to compare to when I was pregnant with Charlie, but remembering 14 years ago is hard.

I do have to keep running to the loo, as I have lots of CM, and obviously, I keep panicking, thinking I may be bleeding. I was making myself sore, keep running and wiping, so I'm now wearing panty liners, so I can just check that way.

I know this post will be hard for some of you to read, and I'm sorry. Please don't ever think I will forget where I came from. and I'm not out the woods yet. LTTTC has been a part of my life longer than anything else, including Charlie, as I was LTTTC with him also.

I will update again, after my MW appointment tomorrow.

Thank you all for always being there for me, through the ups and downs.

And I want this to keep your spirits high, remember I've been LTTTC for 12 years, 7 clomid cycles, all bfn, one fresh IVF cycle, bfn, and now a natural pregnancy. There always, always hope.

Job Offer

So it looks like the April FET may be being postponed again!

I had a phone call from the hospital, with the job offer asking me to start on the 15th April, Yay!!

But I don't suppose asking for time off within 2 weeks of starting a new job would be wise, BUT depending on my shifts and my cycle, I may be able to fit it in.

Of course, it won't look so excellent if I was to get a BFP 2 weeks after, but I wouldn't be informing anyone until I hit 12 weeks anyway, so I would be four months into the job, that may not look so bad!!

We are just going to play it by ear and see how things go, we did discuss maybe moving it to around July or August time.

I cannot believe, yet again, I am actually putting off TTC for another few months.

I just hope that being settled in a new job and not be sitting at home thinking about stuff all the time will help.

EEEEEEEEKKK!!! Its going to be weird going back into the big wide working world!! But I'm so damn happy and excited!!!

Miss my blogging

So I received a comment saying they miss my blogging, so here's an update, not much of one really!

I've had a lot going on away from TTC, my ex husband is being a bellend, so he's stressing me out. Charlie is getting in lots of trouble at school, so trying to get to the root of that. My cousin who is a big part (or was) of my life is also a bellend, but I won't go into details.

I can't remember if I posted about my obsession with getting married before we go for our next FET, but we have had a good chat about this, and we came to the conclusion, we have 5 frosties, we will only transfer one at a time, so we have 5 shots. Money is really tight at the moment, so we really can't afford to get married and go for the FET in such a short amount of time. We are not getting any younger and every month that slips by our chances are reduced, not drastically, but still another month older. We came to the conclusion, that we can get married when we are 60 years old, but we can't try for a baby at 60 years old, so we may as well have a couple of goes with the frosties until we are more financially stable, which brings me to my next piece of news.

I had a job interview a couple of weeks back, I went in and was honest and open about my past and it seems to have done the trick! I have been offered the job pending references. So I'm on tender hooks waiting to see if that's all comes back OK. I haven't received a written job offer yet, so it's all a bit up in the air, but hopefully, fingers crossed, it's the start of good things to come, will help us out financially, so we can do more of the things we want, such as getting married, another FET if need be.
The job is Ward Clerk of an Acute Medical Unit, a ward off A&E for patients who need to stay in longer than the 'red tape' allowance of 4 hours in A&E. Its a 100 bed turnover a day and also adding on 2 out patient clinics to the unit soon, so it will be a very very busy ward! Just how I like it!

Back to TTC. This cycle has been an absolute fucking arse!!! My cycles post IVF have been quite regular, 28,28 and 30 days. My cycles are normally pretty regular between 28-32 days.
Today is CD36 and still nothing as of this morning. When I had my FMU it was very dark and concentrated (very similar to when I'm just about to ovulate) I was going to do an IC, but changed my mind and done an OPK instead. That came up positive, so obviously, getting my hopes up (we've all heard the OPK as an HPT theory) I dipped an IC in the same urine but that was negative! BOOO!!!
Fast forward 2 hours and the damn witch has arrived. FUCK!!
Completely baffled!!
But glad I done the IC as I would probably have worried I may have been having a loss, what with late AF and the positive OPK.
I don't even know why I got my hopes up, I'm struggling on the BDing front again, so we were not very active this month. Also as a friend pointed out, it actually only takes once!!!

So, now I'm CD1, and we have decided we are going for the medicated FET when my next AF arrives. I'm hoping I just had a freak cycle this time and it doesn't happen again, as I may have to change my treatment plan. I can't really see it affecting the treatment, as I am going medicated anyway, but I need to be honest with them and make sure my hormones are all doing the right thing.

So that's it for now, not much else to tell you. Just waiting on hearing about the job, and hoping and praying this cycle behaves itself this time.

Letter From OFU

So here is the letter after my follow up appointment last week.

I thought it would just be easier to post the actual letter, than keep repeating myself! (Obviously I have blocked out important private details)

I am on CD5 of the cycle that I could actually go for another FET, but I'm just not ready yet. But its nice to know I have the green light to go when we are ready.
I have been keeping up with the warm feet, and hot water bottle on my back and belly, AF seems very much lighter, maybe slightly longer than normal, but I don't seem to be having a TEBB (tail end brown bleed), so things seem a bit healthier in that department. Hopefully this makes the change I need to get that elusive bfp! I haven't made an appointment to the the acupuncturist yet, due to finances.

In other news, I have had the sickness bug since NYE and on top of that I now have MANflu, which doesn't seem to be easing up at all. I just want to sleep all the time.
We also have a new dog, an English Bull Terrier, I always seem to end up with peoples second hand animals! That's just the way I am, I can't say no! But he is a lovely boy.
I will now have to go and have Sophie spayed, which I feel so so guilty about, my little Soph Soph will never have the chance to be a mummy now, but there is no way I can handle two dogs, a cat a screeching cockatiel and maybe, hopefully, one day a pregnancy and a baby.

OK, just realised that the document isn't very readable, I will try and put a better one up later